damn doctors

Why is it that doctors are never around when you really need them? Let's just say that gradually I've been getting angrier and angrier, and have reached the point where it's hard to control...angry isn't even the right word. Rage would be better. Luckily it's not quite a "red rage" but it is working its way there.

Unfortunately, in the meantime, I'm a danger in public >_< Walking through a grocery store, I reached in her pocket and held my pocket knife while wishing I could go on a rampage in the store. Luckily I still has a force called "will" left. So I resort to locking myself in a room away from all things...but unfortunately have visions of knives and blood and wrists...and a certain person knocked on my door 2 times after I specifically asked not to be bothered "even if the house is burning down" ... so each time, right when I'm about to escape my horrid fantasies *tap tap tap* *tap tap* ... more visions ... almost reaching the one escape available...the eyes are closing, the mind is shutting down... *knock knock* ...sleep will not come in this house...

I feel like being in a bumper-cart course. I've got the urge to ram my car into things...so I decide not to drive, probably a smart move for the safety of passengers and strangers...

I even tried to wash dishes last night, and by I reached the 3rd dish, I picked up a bowl, ready to slam it onto the counter and watch it shatter, feel it break, enjoy the destruction. What can I say...washing dishes is a very stressful job...

It's getting to the point where I can't bear to be in a room with other living creatures. Their mere presence is enough to set off my anger. I twitch when people touch me, clamping down on muscle reactions wishing to reach out and strike. So, while trying to protect the people around me, I've been acting like a hormonal psycho bitch. It's gotta make my dad happy, since he's visiting from overseas. "oh, hi dad, please don't talk to me or touch me...*whispers from the shadows - I love you*"

So I sit down and think "this is going too far, I'm losing control...and it won't be pretty when it happens. So I decide I need help. I call my doctor at 12:30pm (lunch), and leave an urgent message...1:30...2:30...6:30pm...2:30am...
Thank you dear doctor, now I get to wait through 2 wonderful, joyful days, and hopefully, at your convenience, you will decide that perhaps I needs to come visit your office. Jackass...

So for now, I will wait, and patiently, comfortably, pleasantly pass the time...

Jinsen desu subarashi (if anyone can guess what anime that is from you get bonus points...I might have gotten the phrase wrong, it's 3am and I haven't slept in 2 weeks...you get the idea...) Life is wonderful...

~Isabo, signing out and escaping into sleep... hasta manana