Raging at the world

Why is it that on bad days, where you wake up pissed off, everything chooses that day to piss you off even more? Anyone ever notice that? If you start a day badly, it will only get worse. I woke up today. I didn't want to wake up. I actually went to bed in a bad mood. I woke up many times due to night sweats. If you've ever had night sweats, you know what a pain in the ass they are, how uncomfortable they are, how miserable they make you all night. If you don't know, hope you never have to find out, or only for a few nights, not for an almost ritualistic occurance. So, woke up pissed off and sweaty and nasty feeling, like that's not enough. Per my previous post about annoying parents, add the last few days where things escalate even more. Add to the fact I wake up with my brother screaming obscenities in the next room since mom just HAD to call him for no apparent reason 7, SEVEN!!!, freaking times within a five minute period.

So, we're all understanding I'm pissed off enough as it is. Then the parents barge in (I stay in my room with the door closed trying to read and shut out the rest of the world that loves to torment me so much). They want to cook out, that's all nice and dandy. My mom walks in, I tell her I don't care what they do, please close the door. Next, dad comes in and I tell him I am in my "pissed off depression" phase. In other words, the slightest thing sets me off in a rage. So of course he hangs around and tries to talk. I ask him to please leave and not bother me again. Yes, this sounds harsh, but it's safer for all of us this way. I won't say or do anything I regret, they won't get hurt or feel bad from something I am pushed to do. So then dad keeps popping his head in my room, "would you like a salad," "what do you want?" "lunch is almost ready." I don't know what the hell he didn't understand about LEAVE ME ALONE. So I wander out of my room, meanwhile my mom is using my computer. Dad proceedes to rip the plug out of the wall, which sends my mom screaming at him...not a good thing to listen too, pissed off, earling in your waking. It seems dad burned a hole in my rug. So I go back in my room and close the door. They get me for lunch, I take 2 bites. I'm not hungry. My appetite comes and goes, usually goes when I'm pissed off. I say "goodbye, do what you want, but leave me alone." So then after about 30 minutes, dad comes in "do you want to do anything today? We could watch a movie?" NO! I tell them to do whatever they want, in or out of my apartment but do not disturb me in my room.

They eventually leave, granting me peace. This lasts all of about 4 hours, before they start calling over and over "you want us to bring you dinner? want us to bring a movie over?" NO NO NO! Then, after 6ish, the neighbor downstairs decides he wants to play music loudly. All I hear is the bass, "dum dummm...dum dummmm..." So goddamn annoying. So I put on a movie, LOUDLY, does it help? No, now I have a movie blaring, and the fucking bass in the background going "dum dummmm." Getting under my nerve. My parents have my car. My brother went out to party with his car. I'm stuck here, with the goddamn bass, no way to escape it. Then, on top of it all, my wireless internet decides to fail. No reason at all. It just thought, "gee, how else can we piss off our owner today." So I spend 45 minutes trying to fix the damn thing. FINALLY get it fixed, the music is still blaring...oh, but wait, there's a different beat now "bum bum bum bum" constantly. Oh yea, you gotta love it.

I am so pissed off right now, a hair away from a red rage, my chest feels swollen, like it's about to burst and this dark, ugly monster is going to jump out and start tearing the place apart. And I can't do anything about that little monster, until my angry phase passes. How long will this last? I sure as hell can't say. It's days like today I wish I was on a mountain top, a lone hermit with nothing but nature and myself. Of course then some annoying bird would pop up nearby and not shut up. Days like today that I wonder why people go on living. What drives everyone? Are you happy? Are you looking forward to the day? The week? The year? Or are you here out of some unnamed will, an animal instinct to survive no matter what, to not give up. Or for some ridiculous reason, like you'll go to hell or your soul will be tarnished. Big whoop. I think the animalistic might have something to do with it. Like a wild dog will chew through it's arm if it's caught in a trap. Or like that big hiker decades ago who had a boulder fall on him, and he sawed his arm off with a pocket knife. So much for dark thoughts, eh? They can be entertaining. Doesn't everyone have fantasies like that? How great it'd be if a big shark came up and ate you. Or you got hit by a bus. Or fell down the stairs and broke your neck. At least your "soul" wouldn't be ruined, since it'd be an act of whatever fucked up gods you believe exists. As if any of them would care.

~Living in dark hours, but living none the less (unfortunately)