Rising Storm

Yea, so, I thought clear skies were ahead, I was wrong. Seems my doctor has no idea what to do with me. He said I can visit him anytime I want...which basically means he can't help me anymore. I'm going to go try a special fibro center, see a rheumy, and maybe find a chronic pain specialist. It's really frustrating when a doctor you like and trust just throws their hands up and turns their back on you.

I've been falling into the dark chasm again, and I can't seem to break my fall on anything. Seems every time I clutch a ledge, it either immediately crumbles under me, or only holds me for a short time before crumbling anyway. One of the worst things is that I don't really care anymore. Seems for a while I've just been falling and not attempting to grab on to anything. It's like half of me knows that I'll eventually get better, and I know I should be doing something to help myself, but the other half just gives up and thinks why bother, I'll never be well...going back to my favorite Seether quote: everything will be fine one day, too late, just as well...

Everyone knows how much I love food. So you know it's bad when I don't care when/what/if I even eat. Today I finally made myself cook (yes, scrambled eggs is considered cooking), and I just couldn't eat it. I forced myself to eat part of it, but couldn't go further. My body doesn't want it, yet I know I should eat, but I also know if I had forced one more forkfull of eggs down my throat I woulda lost it all.

So, I'm going to go through the motions for a while, go to pt and massage, do whatever, hope some kind of doctor can spark my interest again and drag me back into the battlefield. I'll weather this storm, just like I always do. I'm just so tired of constantly battling the world and myself. I wish for just one day, a ledge would stop my fall, the battle would stop, I wouldn't have to fight my pain or mind...I could be happy...I can't remember what it was like to be happy. But then again, is anyone really happy? Seems like everyone pushes themselves through life, and even if they seem content, are they happy as well?

~In the eye of the storm