Catching Up

So, I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. I'm bad, I know :) So, here's my updates.

Fibro Program: It ended. Some of us cried (not me), we had lunch, and laughed, and hugged. Hugging is nice. I offered to volunteer and try to gather info and create a fibro "community" for us all in our areas, but so far have not heard back from the leader if/when I can help.


Psycho stuff: I had my first meeting ever with a psychiatrist last wednesday. He basically asked me a few questions, I answered, he cringed and looked sorry for me, and changed my medications. I can't even tell how I'm sleeping now, I feel so odd (another reason for not blogging). First day after changing my anti'd, I was so enraged I couldn't speak to anyone. I didn't want to hurt anyone by accident with any harsh, unmeaning words, so I secluded myself. I've finally leveled out some, but still feeling odd.

Speaking of psycho stuff, I always wonder. Is anyone happy? HAPPY What does this word mean? What does it embody? I can't remember what it feels like to be happy, and I don't know anymore what happy is. I can be content. I can feel "ok." But I can't reclaim the feelings I used to have as a kid that I label as "happiness." Do you all wake up in the morning and think "wow, a whole day ahead of me! what wonderful things can I do today??" do you look forward to the day? Do you look forward to your life, thinking of the work you can do, the people you can meet, the fun you can have? I sometimes feel like I've lost my dreams. I don't know what to look forward to. Or if I want to look forward to anything. Sometimes it seems like I'm scared of the future. I don't konw what's out there...and sometimes ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know.

Sometimes I think one reason I don't go to sleep, one reason I'll always stay up even though I'm exhausted is that I don't want to face another day. I don't have anything exciting to look forward to. I don't WANT to wake up. Therefore I don't want to sleep. If I never sleep I won't ever have to wake up. Does this make any sense? That and if I don't go to sleep I won't have nightmares. I have nightmares almost every night. That was one of the things that made the psycho doctor cringe.


Dream Writing: So, one of my nightmares was really intense, and I managed to remember it in a lot of detail. And it stuck with me for weeks. Not in a horrifying sense, but more like an interesting "that would make a good video game/fantasy book" kinda thought. So, I started writing. Maybe one day you'll go to a book store and pick up and book and read a story and it will be the results of one of my dreams! Although I'm not showing my bro my writings, since he's currently doing is own writing. I don't want to jumble his thoughts since his "book" so far is so awesome. I can't wait until he's done. So, we'll see if I stick with my writing. See what comes out of my sick and twisted mind! Mwuahahahahaha :)


Other random thoughts:
I still haven't seen Constantine, I want to do that...maybe I'll go do that tonight. Looks like an awesome movie. And speaking of movies, I'm pissed. I found out today that the "Dollar" theatre, that used to have 25 cent Tuesdays....it's now a "$1.50" theatre! Ack! So upset. and tuesdays are now 50 cents :( darn them. Ok, I updated. That's about all that's happening. My life is so boring, huh? OOOH!!!!!!!

you have to read Neil Gaiman's "Neverwhere" it is such a fun book. And it has one of the best quotes ever!

["Can I help you?" said the footman. Richard had been told to fuck off and die with more warmth and good humor.] Is that great or what>??? I laughed for about 10 minutes straight last night. My stomach actually still hurts from laughing so much. ...Maybe you had to be there? lol, it's probably one of those things. Like "it bit my eye!" which I think only my bro will get.

Ok, that's it for now.

~Ta ta...coffeeeee...