Blah

Blah...that describes how I'm feeling now a days. I hate this feeling. I can feel myself slipping deeper back into depression. I'm still on one anti-d, but the other was making me so sick I stopped. My once tentative hold on emotions has flown out the window...and at the very inopportune time of the 'rents visiting. Now I know many children get annoyed about their parents. Hell, I hear mom bitching about gma constantly, and begging "if I get like this when I'm older, PLEASE TELL ME!" lol, too late for her she is already like gma *raises an eyebrow at bro* you know what I mean. Anyhoo. Yes, it's a parent's job to drive their kids crazy, and it's a kid's job to drive their parents crazy...however, I don't believe it's too normal to want to punch through a wall at the sound of their voice. who knows, maybe it is. I've gone over this on previous blogs, so I won't be too redundant...since my entire life is redundant at this point (blog including). Although I suppose I should thank bigbikkuri for his quiz, that brough new ideas to the table. although I still can't believe I posted that. Seems weird, I'm embarassed enough for friends/family to know my sexual activities, now all the srangers with internet can know if they want. *le sigh* but I'm not removing it. Once I post something, it stays. Sorta like bro was saying he wasn't gonna edit his posts. now, true, I do edit sometimes, since I make enough typos to choke a horse (where the heck does that phrase come from anyway?? is it tough to choke a horse? I know they can't vomit, but choking?)

Oops, I ran off again. what was my original intentions of posting? Oh yes. Apparently I need that other anti-depressant. Wish I could go back to the old one that made me anxious, and increased my nightmares, and the intensities. that was something to get used to as well. Realising that your dreams couldn't kill you. It's one thing to say "this rabid pumpkin with a gun can't REALLY kill you" and then dreaming it and thinking "damn, this is REAL!!!" so that's what that medicine did, everythign seemed more realistic. I actually WANT that feeling back, rather than what I'm feeling now. But I'm never going on cymbalta again. Talking about horses vommiting, dude, I felt like the exorcist with the pea soup. not a good feeling. So not going on that. It seems the sleeping meds are still making me sick too. Now I don't want to go to bed b/c at bedtime I at least don't want to hurl all over the world. I feel really bad, 'rents are all the way over here from Sweden, and last night they were gonna come over and make steak. So what do I do? After massage I crash at 5pm, and go to sleep. At some time during the darkening evening, I'm awakened to them talking to me. I wake up around 2am realizing they decided not to cook and wake me up. Poor peeps. and that's one of my dad's greatest joys in life, cooking on the grill, since he can't do that in sweden.

ack, I lost sight of my post again I think. maybe I shouldn't even bother keeping myself on track. Anyway. Let's just say that I'm standing back at the edge of the cliff overlooking the black, bottomless ravine and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet. After being here so many times I know that 1. I will find nothing to break my fal. and 2. I won't CARE if I find something to break my fall. Now, eventually I know the docs will find me some new anti-d that will help stable me again. But it's always scary to stand at this point, over looking the darkness below that you know ultimately leads to one outcome (aka death). I assume something will catch me before that point. I do know that it is up to me to make the one last move towards that point, which I won't make while "the pact" with the 'rents still stands. Regardless of any of that "ending" stuff that is in the future, it is the here and now that is most terrifying for me. I know that I can be more stable, and while not be happy, at least find some enjoyable things in life. I know that I can semi control my emotions and outbursts. it's scary having a loss of control, especially if it's one of the things you used to pride yourself on. it's scary because I have been there before, I know what to expect, and i know I DON'T want to feel that way. it is a dark, horrible, yucky feeling (and that's the understatement of the century). But standing here now, there's nothing I can do, but wait and see what happens.

anyway, I'm sorry for the rents, having to be here with me like this. Today they're going house shopping I think. So at least they can get their chores done while I stay alone, try not to turn exorcist on them (in both the vommiting sense and the psycho, head-spinning sense), and hold myself under control. Ok, they're here, better run before they read over my shoulder

~Cheers