Give me strenght...the 'rents

So, parents arrived, completely jetlagged. I was not in much better shape from sleeping only 3 hours this morning. We just had dinner and they went back to their hotel. And already, after...less than 2 hours, I am...I can't remember the word. not fearing...anyway, looking ahead to their time here...I'm already feeling annoyed, anxious, tired. I wonder if it's b/c the anti-d meds are wearing off and I'm slipping into an ever more unstable psycho angry mode, or if I'm just sleep deprived and easily annoyed.

So, for about 2 1/2 weeks I'll have to wear myself out with my internal struggles. I hate internal struggles. No one else can see them, unless the battle spills over (ie I yell and kick you out of my apt)...sorta like my body. Mom said "wow, you look great..." ... ... ... and after that loooong awkward silence I just said "yea" in a very unconvincing way. In truth at the moment I would have knocked a stranger and strangled them for a pain pill. And it annoys/hurts/angers me when people always say "oh, you look so good/healthy/well!" and I never am. It's hard...

It's always interesting that I can look so "normal" and "well" on the outside, and be in so much physical and mental pain and no one else can see it. Except for my manky, she knows me...that's another interesting thing. My best friend can tell when I feel bad, yet my parents can't? Seems like they should know me, be able to look at my eyes ("windows of the soul", eh?), my body language. And of course I try to hide what I'm actually feeling, which could be why they can't tell that I'm in semi bad shape. manky bam always saw through my false faces though...or perhaps I just let her, I'm not sure I bothered with false facades (sorry, I know I was a psychopathic roommate). mochi could tell as well...but she's like a superhuman hero with special powers, so maybe she just feels I'm off. She always knows when I need that one cyber *hug*

Anyhoo, this is just another case of me bitching about how pitiful my life seems, when I should probably be glad that I'm alive, even if not well. It's weird. I hate complaining about myself, and try not to, and just hide my pain in real life. Guess this is my outlet. So if you are unfortunately reading this, run away while you can. Dark and deadly, I will ruin your day!...damn, that doesn't rhyme, I thought it did but then re-read it and realized it didn't...I think my last brain cell just fluttered away :)

~Love & hugs to everyone