Fucking A...

That was my response to Bro's post to my previous post. It's mom's b-day today...and my response is punching down on my chair and screaming "fucking a!" what does that say about my state of mind? Not to mention the fact that I got so pissed off in the shower that I was too tired to wash my hair, instead of punching the tiles (hahaha, get this...I didn't want to hurt myself!) I instead grabbed two fistfulls of my hair and yanked...needless to say, that hurt! So then I get outta the shower and decide I want to punch the wall anyway, but don't want to hurt it, b/c that's yet another damned thing I'll have to pay for...interestingly enough, human skin apparently leaves oranges smudges on a creamish/once-white wall when you punch it hard enough to scuff your knuckles, but not hard enough to break through to blood. Isn't that funny? And that didn't make me feel better, so I instead pounded on the wall, and got pissed off when I hurt my hand. So...taht's where I'm at right now. Pissed off and un able to beat the shit out of something enough to releive my stress...and now it's mom's b-day...that's just fucking swell. And this makes me sound like an ingrateful little shit, but I think maybe bro is the only one who will truly understand I'm not bitching at mom for it being her b-day, but rather bitching at myself for not being in control, being too enraged, and just utterly fucked up enough to not 1. remember, and 2. now have to torment myself and hold in all this rage and be "happy" for her. But I'll do it...for her. She deserves it. What's a little more emotional pain, I'll just shove it inside with all the rest. Goddamn it, why am I crying now!? I NEVER fucking cry.

Bro, if you tell her about this, you are fried. I don't care how much I like you. ... *huggles*

~fuck