Hehehe, I'm a posting fool!

Wow, so this is what, the 4th post today? Yah! Go me.

I just thought I'd say that Zoloft is amazing. After 2 hours of a double dose I am feeling more human (or humane? maybe both). Lunch went ok with the parents. They had to hurry so we just did fast food. I almost barfed every where with dad driving though...he gets a little...I think mom used the word "zealous" lol, he definitely likes the spunky car. So I drove home. I'm sure the inside of my car thanks me. So they're out looking at more town houses. That gives me more time to adjust myself. The horrible black canyon underneath my feet has distanced itself a bit. The ground I'm standing on is no longer crumbling, but seems to be holding. The crushing hand squeezing my heart has let up a bit (although I must admit the double dose of zoloft has added the big huge "anxious hand" that's squeezing my heart with the hand-shaking spastic-ness and the impending sense of doom...or maybe I've simply stepped back from the cliff edge so instead of a "doom NOW!!!" feeling, it's b/c more "impeding" sense. Who knows, I sure as hell don't.

I feel guilty though. I feel like I should bake mom a cake though, but I'm still so nauseous that I don't think me standing anywhere near food is a good idea. Maybe I'll go buy her some ice cream and a candle. We're gonna celebrate her dinner next week we think. Go to benihana's (it's one of those places where they make the japanese food on the big huge silver hot table thing in front of you while spinning and twirling the sharp knives and making a lot of noise). Hopefully I'll be more human and less demonic-beast by that point.

Speaking of nauseous demonic beasts, I've decided, just an hour ago, to quit the sleepig meds too. I can't live with this horrible nausea/flu/ickiness anymore. It's funny. The psychiatrists (and any doctor for that matter) will say "hold off on those meds and wait a while, I'll see you next week." Do they ever realize that that ONE WEEK can be a lifetime of hell? That you may not survive that one week? If I hadn't snapped today, I don't know if I would have been here tomorrow (except for the fact that I made a deal with mom, and I am an honorable creature and will always honor her wish and ask for help first). So I'm basically saying "screw you" to the docs, and doing my own thing. I would rather not sleep for a week than sleep and feel like I do now. Maybe I'll dope up on muscle relaxers at night for a while. Although now that the wonderful zoloft is back I may not be sleeping at all due to nightmares. Hey, my nightly entertainment will be back! woohoo! At least some exciting and interesting things will happen :)


On a totally different note, although I have basically been bitching non stop today, I do realize how lucky I am. Taking Herbinator's advice I'm currently reading through cat's blog. I'm not through reading yet, but I understand so much of what she's said, of what she's experienced. And it makes me yet again realize how lucky I truly am. I AM living. my illness is not progressive, although it often feels that way. My time isn't limited by my fibro, unless my mental health slips again, or something outta my control occurs...like the redneck who tried to run me off the road yesterday. (Unlike my dear friend Wynee, who was run over by a dumptruck, I am still here. Rest in peace dearest Wynee, I love you, and miss you dearly. Although, it seems every time I think of you I'm always smiling at the mischief we were involved in. Thank you for sharing your time with me, I'll always treasure it.)

My mom turned 53 today, and her motto in life is "I'm old, and I'm glad I made it here!" Earlier today, before the zoloft kicked in, my unspoken comment to that was "I wish something would put me out of my misery," and "I don't want to last that long," and thoughts like that. But now I'm thinking that I don't want to leave now. There ARE things I'd miss. Even through all the hardships and pains, I have a gift of life, and I shouldn't throw that away. Although truthfully, I barely had any control. That would not have been ME choosing a path. that would have been me watching a path be chosen. So yea, I'm glad I'm alive. I'm glad I have a chance to live. Although I may be scared, depressed, and pained...I am grateful.

~Signing off for now (hehehe, I've already posted 4 times today, and gone through 3 mecurial mental alterations, who knows whats to come). I may be shortly posting again. Who knows...

my current song motto: from "Within Temptation" (some european goth group bro sent me):

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes, and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground.