yet another boring update

So, nothing has been happening. I don't care if things have been happening. I don't care period. I'm in search of a new psychiatrist, as I'm obviously insane if I can't make it through one day without vivid (and to me, heart-warming and encouraging) visions/fantasies of dying. I look around and think I should be happy. I'm lucky enough to be supported, so I can sit on my ass and do nothing. I'm lucky enough to have a family that puts up with my psychotic shit. I'm not dying of a painful disease, even if I sometimes wish I were. So what the hell gives eh? I hate my life. Not in the sense of "oh, I hate my body" or "I have a boring, no-end job" etc. No, more in the sense of "what's the point?". I resent my family, especially mom, for forcing me to stay in this shit hole that is currently life. Which doesn't make it any easier to live in close proximity. I'm balanced right now on the very fine line of giving into other people's selfish wants (staying alive) and giving into my own selfish wishes (oblivion). Guess it follows my current motto: Life's a bitch and then you die.

I can't even remember a time when I was happy. I don't even know what happiness is anymore. Does it even exist? Or is everyone deluded and lying to themselves when they say they're happy? Content? At peace? what? Sure I find some enjoyable things. I watch a fun movie. I might chuckle a few times. That doesn't make me a happy person. It's me deluding myself with a fantasy world.

So anyway, I'm stuck here, in between living and dead. I wonder if I'll ever find a life again. Hopefully I can do it on my own, not a false life given from medication, like I currently have. In a way, I'm just as bad as a vegetable stuck on life support. Only reason I'm still here is probably because of the false emotion, false will, false control that anti-depressants are supposed to give me. How's that any different than a machine keeping me moving, like a zombie.

whatever. I'm sick of complaining, and want to stop, but I think there's only one way that'll happen, and I'm bound by the crushing weight of duty that keeps me here. Living for others is not living. but whatever right? whatever...

~the "Dark" Isabo

guess my gemini side is coming out. Seems the dark half has taken over the light half for a while. yay for evil twin eh?

Short but sweet

Mom got out of surgery early. She was one of the 25% of lucky people who have enough blood vessels in the right area, so doc didn't have to cut her open as much. Everyone is amazed at how well she's doing. Her boob is cool too, looks like a bulls-eye...even has multicolored rings o_O They got her up and moving today, which adds to the 3rd-day's-the-worst thingie >_< anyhoo, I gotta run