Raging at the world

Why is it that on bad days, where you wake up pissed off, everything chooses that day to piss you off even more? Anyone ever notice that? If you start a day badly, it will only get worse. I woke up today. I didn't want to wake up. I actually went to bed in a bad mood. I woke up many times due to night sweats. If you've ever had night sweats, you know what a pain in the ass they are, how uncomfortable they are, how miserable they make you all night. If you don't know, hope you never have to find out, or only for a few nights, not for an almost ritualistic occurance. So, woke up pissed off and sweaty and nasty feeling, like that's not enough. Per my previous post about annoying parents, add the last few days where things escalate even more. Add to the fact I wake up with my brother screaming obscenities in the next room since mom just HAD to call him for no apparent reason 7, SEVEN!!!, freaking times within a five minute period.

So, we're all understanding I'm pissed off enough as it is. Then the parents barge in (I stay in my room with the door closed trying to read and shut out the rest of the world that loves to torment me so much). They want to cook out, that's all nice and dandy. My mom walks in, I tell her I don't care what they do, please close the door. Next, dad comes in and I tell him I am in my "pissed off depression" phase. In other words, the slightest thing sets me off in a rage. So of course he hangs around and tries to talk. I ask him to please leave and not bother me again. Yes, this sounds harsh, but it's safer for all of us this way. I won't say or do anything I regret, they won't get hurt or feel bad from something I am pushed to do. So then dad keeps popping his head in my room, "would you like a salad," "what do you want?" "lunch is almost ready." I don't know what the hell he didn't understand about LEAVE ME ALONE. So I wander out of my room, meanwhile my mom is using my computer. Dad proceedes to rip the plug out of the wall, which sends my mom screaming at him...not a good thing to listen too, pissed off, earling in your waking. It seems dad burned a hole in my rug. So I go back in my room and close the door. They get me for lunch, I take 2 bites. I'm not hungry. My appetite comes and goes, usually goes when I'm pissed off. I say "goodbye, do what you want, but leave me alone." So then after about 30 minutes, dad comes in "do you want to do anything today? We could watch a movie?" NO! I tell them to do whatever they want, in or out of my apartment but do not disturb me in my room.

They eventually leave, granting me peace. This lasts all of about 4 hours, before they start calling over and over "you want us to bring you dinner? want us to bring a movie over?" NO NO NO! Then, after 6ish, the neighbor downstairs decides he wants to play music loudly. All I hear is the bass, "dum dummm...dum dummmm..." So goddamn annoying. So I put on a movie, LOUDLY, does it help? No, now I have a movie blaring, and the fucking bass in the background going "dum dummmm." Getting under my nerve. My parents have my car. My brother went out to party with his car. I'm stuck here, with the goddamn bass, no way to escape it. Then, on top of it all, my wireless internet decides to fail. No reason at all. It just thought, "gee, how else can we piss off our owner today." So I spend 45 minutes trying to fix the damn thing. FINALLY get it fixed, the music is still blaring...oh, but wait, there's a different beat now "bum bum bum bum" constantly. Oh yea, you gotta love it.

I am so pissed off right now, a hair away from a red rage, my chest feels swollen, like it's about to burst and this dark, ugly monster is going to jump out and start tearing the place apart. And I can't do anything about that little monster, until my angry phase passes. How long will this last? I sure as hell can't say. It's days like today I wish I was on a mountain top, a lone hermit with nothing but nature and myself. Of course then some annoying bird would pop up nearby and not shut up. Days like today that I wonder why people go on living. What drives everyone? Are you happy? Are you looking forward to the day? The week? The year? Or are you here out of some unnamed will, an animal instinct to survive no matter what, to not give up. Or for some ridiculous reason, like you'll go to hell or your soul will be tarnished. Big whoop. I think the animalistic might have something to do with it. Like a wild dog will chew through it's arm if it's caught in a trap. Or like that big hiker decades ago who had a boulder fall on him, and he sawed his arm off with a pocket knife. So much for dark thoughts, eh? They can be entertaining. Doesn't everyone have fantasies like that? How great it'd be if a big shark came up and ate you. Or you got hit by a bus. Or fell down the stairs and broke your neck. At least your "soul" wouldn't be ruined, since it'd be an act of whatever fucked up gods you believe exists. As if any of them would care.

~Living in dark hours, but living none the less (unfortunately)

Re: Skanky old man, and the damn holidays

Ok, I figured out the skanky old man, but didn't have time to blog about it. After the "give me a break" talk in the corridor, I woke up the next day to see a letter sticking on my door. I'll just give you the highlights:

"Please don't think me a prude. I believe everyone should be as passionate and loud as they feel they should or want to be" So of course, I had thought he meant the tv, I read this and say WTF?? SEX?? Not me. I wish I was so lucky. I was so pissed. He was more or less calling me a whore (oh yea, my bro was sleeping on the floor for this week too). So I assume he thought bro was my lover...let's not go there...What an ass right? Icky. "So please, keep your lovemaking down after 10:30, or perhaps take it to your living room if you need to be loud." O_o !?! "I have waited over a month to complain." Ok, dude, first of all, don't wait that long. Secondly, I'm uber jealous, I myself want to go kick these people's asses. I hope they're enjoying it since I can't :(

So anyway, long story short, I run into him after getting his note (bro and I ran out to lunch, came back and saw him). So I say, "yo, you got the wrong person" and we hash it out. So it's all cool, he's "soooo sorry" and he gets to go bitch at other people. I figure out later, this was probably the reason he asked for the garbage bag that one day. He probably wanted to talk to me, but my mom answered the door, and he can't really say to my mom, "hey, I may be over 40, but I just want to chat with your daughter in private" so he asks for a bag instead. And, he apologized so many times, and gave me a starbucks gift receipt. Luckily I haven't seen him again. I hope he just forgets it, it's too awkward and icky. I'd feel best if he never talked to me again, but we're neighbors so that's unlikely.

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Ok, on to the damn holidays. From all the holidays I've ever had, I believe it is an inherent impulse of families to terrorize each of it's members. First of all, my mom had been here for a month before my bro came. 1 month of a mother is bad enough, not to mention I gotta spend another month with her and the rest of the family. Yes, I know I probably sound like an ungrateful brat who doesn't appreciate her family. But I think mothers have this speech frequency that just drives their kids crazy. I can hear the sound of her voice and I wanna fly off the deep end and hit her or run away and hide and not have to hear or speak to her. Although, I do annoy her in the same way. Must me a bad mixture when kid frequencies and mother frequencies mix. Not to mention the fact my mom is a VERY attention-needy, almost ADD, intense mother. She has to be with me EVERY second, and she wants to do everything with me. This is great and all, but I'm used to living by myself. And she needs attention. You can't understand this unless you know a needy person. She's like a hyper dog, she needs my attention constantly, she wants to play and be petted and talked to and walked and exercised and get new toys...It is insanely tiring.

Add to that the fact that both of my parents won't listen to us kids. The other day bro was riding with mom and dad, and they said "do you want to blah blah" and bro said "no, I'm tired" and they said "ok" and then went to go do their errands that he said he didn't want to do! I mean hello?? And they'll call me up and say "wake up, let's go eat lunch" I reply, "no, I don't feel like it today" them: "we'll be there in five minutes, get ready" me: "no, I don't ...." *CLICK* and then they show up and it's tornado mom and dad again. I've had to kick them out of the apartment, tell them they can't talk to me or come over. I feel bad doing it, but they are driving me insane, and wearing me out physically and mentally. And just think, I've had mom for almost 2 months now, B has only seen her like this for a week and he is already as annoyed as I am.

As to everything else, it was about 65 degrees today...in december. how crazy is that. I love it. B and I saw Life Aquatic. freaking weird. more weird than royal tanenbaums or however you spell that. I'm not sure yet if I liked it. I don't think I'd ever buy it, but it was still pretty good. We saw Darkness tonight. I liked that, although the ending sucked, and I mean majorly sucked. I bet the spanish version is much better. Oh, and I went back to a MUD I used to play a long time ago (7 years?). I've found some people from back then, we're all the oldies. It's a fantasy/midevil kinda game, but now it seems like everyone is all crazy about anime (you can make a picture for your title, and I'd say atleast 85% of the people use anime images). I mean that's fine and all, but it's a fantasy game, just seems like they'd use more fantastic images, like Elfwood, Whelan, Royo, etc. Right now it seems like the whole land is in civil war. I'm not quite sure yet what is going on, but it's a fun way to waste time.

I guess that's it for now
Cheers
Isabo

Skanky old men again

Ok, so this guy, 50ish living behind me, keeps talking to me. "can I borrow a trash bag?" who the hell borrows trash bags??? He just came over to talk to me, to "give him a break" and that I'm loud at night. I can't figure out what the hell he's talking about, maybe I had the tv turned up a bit high. But damn. I wish I could get out of an apartment where you hear everything. And away from skanky old men who find all sorts of excuses to talk to me. That makes me nervous. So weird.

~uncomfy and cranky

Sunny and warm

So, who would have thought, in December, it gets up to 70 degrees and sunny? Isn't it lovely. It's funny, you would think sunny days make people happy, but they always make me feel somewhat melancholy. I guess it's because it's perfect soccer weather, and makes me remember what I can't have. But on the flip side, the sun is so nice and warm, makes me feel warm and bubbly :)

In other news, mom and I are starting to really get on each other's nerves, I think we've been around each other too much now. Good news is bro is coming soon, so that will be somewhat of a break.

And I got the best christmas cards to send to people. Shows this kid with his head looking up and his mouth open, catching snow flakes. Except he's sitting under a tree with birds on it, and one of the birds says "are you thinking what I'm thinking" :) hehehe, I like it.

OOOOOHHHHH! Return of the King, extended version comes out this next tuesday! I'm so happy. Almost as happy as when the xena season came out :) And the Star wars trilogy.

In a galaxy far far away...
and then from Calvin and hobbes:
Q "what state do you live in?"
A "Denial"