Scary! Clean!

Ok, I survived cleaning yesterday. I just walked in my door and stopped and stared...I didn't recognize the the place! I could see floor. I could see some of the top of my chest/coffee table. The room is actually light now, since the carpet shows. Unfortunately my sofa is now piled high with clothes (clean!). And um, let's not mention the kitchen, that hasn't been taken care of. I'm sorta scared to look in there, might find new organisms thriving in the very scary environment! ack. That might involve bleach and dishwasher. and burning? fire party!

cheers
Isabo

You know you need to clean when...

1. You consider calling Animal Planet to come deal with the wildlife growing and living in your apt. For example: spiders, have sprouted out of no where. and they love me, damn them. these little brown things that look...weird, I have no idea what they are. tiny (bout the size of a spider, but hard shell and sorta like an egg?) weird. they move slower than a slug, easy to catch. spiders on the other hand have to be quick. a few silver fish have sprouted up.

2. You are afraid to eat off your floor

3. You can't see your floor

4. You don't remember what color your floor is (hehee, kidding).

5. You can't walk across the room without tripping and falling and killing yourself.

6. ...I can't think of one yet.

So, I took a muscle relaxer to ease the spasming back. and now I'm going to clean and vacuum, which I'm sure my back will love. But my back can take it if it means I can live safely in my apt once again :)

~Isabo

cola! (or soda, or pop, if you insist)

I found out something exciting today! (yea, call me stupid that I didn't figure it out before). If you pour a soda into a glass in the same manner that you pour a beer into a glass so that it doesn't get a head, then the soda doesn't get all fizzy and overflow from your glass! mwuahahaha.

*ahem*
~Isabo

ACK! blogger! grrr

Yea, I've been screwing around with blogger today. it sucks ass. anyway, I got pissed off because I couldn't even comment on my own blog, much less post (I'm hoping this goes through) so I got haloscan. now I gotta go back and repost all the comments since it erased them. blah.

~Isabo

happy easter

Hello peeps. happy easter. hope you have fun with family/friends. meanwhile I'm stuck here like a loser with no one or nothing to do, but that's actually fine by me. I went out last night (yes, a saturday night by myself, how sad, I know) to see Miss Congeniality 2. I had read horrible reviews, but I thought it was pretty funny. I think I like the first one better, but then again Regina King is freaking hilarious. Don't waste money on it if you didn't like the stupidity of the first one though. Or unless you're a sucker for cheesy movies like me :) speaking of cheesy movies, I found a spiffed up version of Army of Darkness, which is normally supposed to be $36, but I found it for $10? and the normal version with no extras was $20. how does that work? I know not. the cash register chick was like "Dude, this is probably mismarked but I gotta give it to you" so I'm gonna have UBER-cheesy movie day. can't get much more cheesy than army of darkness :)

One good thing about today, tons of people will be at church or at home with family, which frees the streets and restaurants and malls. so nice when that happens. Of course I have no food in the house, so I gotta think about some tasty fast food place to eat, since every other place is closed. what think you? sandwhich or hamburger? or both? hmmm, tough decisions. maybe I'll have donuts for dessert :) mmm, or reeses eggs...mmm, ice cream....

~Isabo (is drooling at the moment)

Tx & Ok

I found out two things today. It takes me 46 minutes (at 4pm) to reach the TX/OK border. and Eisenhower was born in tx, except, stupid me, I read that and thought "dude, Einstein was a hick???" I'm stupid, I know. now my ass hurts, scratch that, everything hurts. stupid of me I know, but I needed escape. but I listened to good music so I'm in a pretty good mood, relatively. I think I'm going to clean house, since I meant to go on a walk today in the park but got pissed off b/c there was a soccer tournament so I kept driving. ended up in Atoka, OK. anyway, cleaning is exercise. it's almost impossible to manage, so that'll be a good work out.

oh, and get this. They have 2 rivers, named "Clear Boggy River" and "Muddy Boggy River." When I hear "boggy" I think sunken, muddy, dirty, watery, LOTR frodo looking at dead people kinda area. So I thought, wtf?? clear boggy?? oxymoron? and then I reached muddy boggy and thought wtf??? redundancy much? I have such intellectual discussions with myself don't I? :)

cheers
~Isabo

Blah day 2...or is it 3?

Yea, still blah. I have a feeling it's going to be blah for a while. I went to see doc today, about the drunken-slurring episodes, and feeling like ass since then. Good news is I didn't have a stroke (I hadn't even thought of that). Bad news is they have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. so of course they sucked me dry of blood. So blah on them. Blah. I started up pt again today in the pool, before my massage. I need to start exercising more, rather than locking myself in the house like a hermit...speaking of house, it looks like someone broke in and tore the place apart. I can't even remember the last time I vacuumed or changed my sheets. Good thing I never have guests, methinks.

blah!
Isabo

Blah

Life at the moment: blah. I woke up tonight at 10pm. I can't wait for the dawn, for once. Is life really worth living if you're only living out of duty to your family? Is it worth living when the only happiness you find is from a pill (which I haven't found yet)? Is it possible to die from boredom? I'll let you know...

Cheers, from a very bored, very tired, very blah Isabo

Sunset

Go here if you want to see some sunset shots I just took a few minutes ago!

Mental Chemistry

Saw psycho doc today. My mental chemistry is totally screwed up, was there any question? :) BUT! I did ask him about the pain/feelings in your chest/stomach when you're upset, whether or not they're "real" in the sense of actual chemicals in the brain rather than just your mind imagining it. They are real! Chemicals are released that make your chest ache, or give you butterflies in your stomach, etc. I thought that was interesting. At least he's taking me a little more seriously now, I get to see him in a week, yay (major sarcasm here). It was funny, when I mentioned mom leaving and taking stress away, he immediately jumped on that "your mom, what? who? when? how does that make you feel?" lol, I was like "dude, calm down." I think psycho docs are psycho.

I have a random poll, since we're talking about being psycho & feelings (and since polls are fun, and I don't do them often enough):

What is(are) your first(few) thought(s) of the day when you wake up?

Cheers,
~Isabo (I'm happy, I get a massage today!)

sleeeeeeeeeeep

ok, I slept yesterday from 5pm to 10pm, then from 2am to 3pm, and now I'm heading off to bed again at 5pm. wtf, mate?!? I'm not even sure how well I'm sleeping. but it sucks, do you know how much it hurts to sleep for so long?? but I'm so exhausted, there's nothing else to do. maybe I'll try sleeping sitting up. I do that often enough, I'm good at it by now :)

hope everyone else finds some sleep

cheers,
~Isabo

Isabo in South Park!

I saw this on Tian's page, you can create your own south park character here at South Park Character Studio. Cool huh?



Hehehe, is it obvious I'm a sci-fi/fantasy freak? I look more laser-taggish sci-fi here, but truthfully I'm a fantasy buff all the way, with a bit of sci-fi thrown in :)

Oooh, and to completely change topics, saw Ring Two today! Pretty good. The sound in the theatre was messed up, but otherwise it was good. I liked the first one much better. The second was really predictable. I still haven't decided if I liked Ring or Ringu (original, japanese) better. Ringu is more subtle and japanesey, but Ring is more main-stream hollywood fun. Still haven't decided. Any one else? If you haven't seen Ringu I highly suggest it.

~Isabo, South Park laser-tag freak? with a knife :) I want a knife...

ps, on second thought, I think this character might better portray my personality:

sleep & movies

Ok, so I'm up at 4am. I woke up today, after 20 hours of sleep, at 2pm. my previous sleep amount was 5 hours, and before that was 22 hours. I think I may be catching up on sleep somehow, I wish I knew the trick so I could sleep more often. Maybe I just have to wear myself out to the point that my body completely crashes? I'll try it out. I doubt I'll sleep tonight, maybe a few hours, maybe I'll get another 20+er next night. although it's really painful to sleep for so long. who woulda thought sleep was painful.

mom and I saw Man of the House (freaking hilarious, Tommy Lee Jones & Cedric the entertainer, TLJ goes under cover with a bunch of cheerleaders, at UT. it's great.), and Avaitor. aviator was ok, just ok. But dude, cate blanchett is awesome as usual. She got Katharine hepburn's voice PERFECT and even had her weird mouth expressions right! cate kicks ass. And Ring 2 comes out tomorrow, I think we're seeing that and million dollar baby? mom wanted to see that, about some boxer chick or something. yo no se. so today was basdically a good day for me. managed to sit through 2 movies, although mom and I walked out of there looking like 80 yr old women staggering down stairs. with our little stiff-kneed hop down the stairs, a death grip on the railing. I realized later, after seeing one of the cleaner-upper-dudes do it, that we should just slide down that rail from now own. although the landing might be tough at the bottom.

~Isabo, tempted (dangerously so) to go sliding down stair rails.

ps why does cold fried chicken taste so good? I think it tastes even better than fresh fried chicken.

weird drunkeness?

Ok, so I woke up today feeling really wobbly and just out of it. We go along, I have shaky hands and body like normal, but now add sluggishness to it. Now slow my brain down to about half speed, knuckle punch me right between my eyes (more on forehead than nose) and that's how the inside of my head feels, with my eyes trying to cross. SO I basically felt really drunk, and like I'd fallen and hit my head. probably not a good combination. I doubt it's anything I did yesterday, but who knows. My body loves me, obviously. Oh, mom said I was even slurring my words, VERY noticeably. Go me. So I not only feel drunk, I look and sound drunk. And my hands were shaking so badly I could barely operate my chopsticks at lunch. *twitch* *shake* mom thinks it's neurological, I just think she's crazy.

"Life is great" is a bumper sticker I saw today, I just snorted at it. Probably not a good outlook to have when filling out medical power of attorneys. luckily (probably because I feel like ass today), I haven't been snapping at mom so much. 2 1/2 more days. Then she goes bye-bye. And I called crazy psycho doc, I'm gonna see him on monday and sit him down and make him listen to me. lock his door if I have to. He sorta pisses me off, because he is SOOOO happy. I can't tell if he's on medication or not, but no human has the right to feel that happy (can we say "bitter?"). Maybe I can try what he's using. unless his body actually likes him and produces the proper amounts of happy, good chemicals.

I think I might go take a nap, and get back on my vampire schedule. This day-time thing really doesn't have any positives for me, other than giving me a light-sensitive headache. maybe it helps that restaurants and shops, other than fastfood and walmart/target are actually open, but I don't get out much anyway...and the hot pool is only open until 5-6pm...but it opens at 6am, maybe I can stay up all night and do pool from 6-8 and then sleep the day away.

~Cheers?

>>h.e.a.d.a.c.h.e<<

So, today was a headache day. I've taken fiorinal all day (which is supposed to cure tension headaches), which means it's not tension...but I can feel that it is. random. Maybe I'm becoming tolerant to yet another drug. Can't take pain pills b/c then you get the pain-pill headache.

It got cold here again. I don't like cold. It is currently 42 (feels like 38), and high tomorrow 48, low 35. Isabo is not amused. Isabo is in texas b/c it's supposed to be hot here.

and is it bad that I want to basically say "screw you" to some poor kid with cancer and no hair, while I go cut off my hair and throw it away? I'm so tempted. It's a pain to take care off. I often can't use my arms to scrub. It's heavy and makes my neck hurt worse. What good is it? But I'll hold out for a little kid. Besides, the website said that red and blonde hair are scarce. only 1-2 more months I think, then *whack* bye bye hair, and I ain't never grownin it out again. It stays above my chin, I don't care what it looks like. I like hats anyway. hats make me feel safe. so do hoodies.

there was something else I wanted to blog about but I can't remember. Other than that it's just me counting down (3 days until mom's gone). It couldn't happen sooner enough. I think it's worse that she's "trying to make it easy on me". I'd prefer it if she didn't tiptoe around (except she physically can't, she stomps and makes noise and crinkles plastic bags, damnit). I'm trying so hard not to blow up at her. And it's not her fault at all, it's completely me. I think maybe I do need to see a counselor. or get different meds. or just be left the hell alone. I'm a hermit, what can I say. I always have been, always will be. Sure, I like a party and meeting people, but I gotta have my time. and when I'm crazy spastic, I really gotta have my time. for everyone else's sake.

enough complaining. I hate that I always complain. I'm surprised anyone still reads this. all it is is *bitch, bitch bitch* *moan* *yell* *whine* *bitch. Guess you all love me anyway since I'm so charming :) or not

~Isabo, suffering a headache which luckily is not a migraine even though the pain is almost as bad (no barfing though, luckily, I'd probably pass out). I'm seeing spots, but I always see spots, so nothing new there. spots are pretty. they are silver, green, red, white. I had a purplish/blue the other day, like lightning. *zap* mmm, lightning. Maybe I"ll go watch one of my stupid, but enjoyable storm movies, like Twister or Day After Tomorrow. Yep, I'm a sucker for those stupid B-class movies. or would those be C? let's see, do I want just tornadoes, or those + rain + flood + ice + freezing (literally) cold + whatever else. oops, I need to sign out again, my good bye turned into another blurb. maybe pain pills make me talk more. They seem to make me like I'm drunk, which is either really talkative or giggly or both. they don't make me giggly though, never giggly.

~Isabo, logging out (finally) :)

sleeeeeeep

Ok, I'm going to attempt to sleep. I woke up yesterday at 7pm. I'm going to bed now at 1:45pm (we'll say before 3pm if I'm lucky). Hopefully a muscle relaxer + sleep meds will knock me out. hey, I can wish, can't I?

I think I will have to call the psycho doc back. Not sleeping = more depressed = less sleep = even more depressed ... you get the picture. Any of you ever been to a psycho doc? Mom thinks I need to "talk" with someone. I mean really, that's what this is right? I bitch and moan on here about how life is a bitch, which everyone already knows, and that's theraputic. I don't need to pay money to do that. And I get more creative responses from this audience, who semi know me or don't care about talking to a stranger, rather than some random doc who is WAY too happy for his own good (whatever he's on, I need it). I'll get a pat on the head, "you poor thing, life is *sarcasm* oh so hard on you." besides the point I have to drive downtown and almost get killed every time. I actually made it safely in the car. But I did almost get run over crossing the street. damnit, yield to peds!

I lost my train of thought...I'm going to bed.

Love & Hugs to the world.
~Isabo

Evanescence:
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos - Your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
in my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

Condoms to go...?

Ok, this always cracks me up. There's a condom chain store called "Condoms To Go." what does this imply to you? See, I'm thinking that the inference is that if it wasn't "to go" you would be using the condoms in the store. Am I just really weird that way? Does that name imply something different to you? Am I just sick and twisted?

(on a completely different subject)
Countdown to mom leaving: 6 days. I am going insane. Am I crazy? Does she exacerbate it? Or is she just here at a bad time? I think maybe all of the above. Especially considering my train of thought recently. I took an online mood test today. guess the results: depressed. big surprise there. At least I stop my actions, and keep them at thoughts and voices poking their way into my every day inner-ramblings. Like "gee, I could so easily just drive off that bridge" or "that long concrete stairwell looks tempting."

I wish it was night time so I could go on a long drive. Just run away from everything, on the dark, twisty country roads. Just silence, vegetation, the sweet country smell, and my loud angry music. It's just not the same during the day. And considering I've been up since 7pm last night, I probably shouldn't go out driving tonight.

If anyone has ever had uncontrollable rage/anger/knot in chest...you know how little things will set you off? Like perhaps your mom is throwing shit in and out of your closet looking for your brother's transcripts. And she's *thunking* and *slamming* and *slapping* shit around. And let's not forget the wonder *crinkle* of paper and that horrible plastic-bag sound. At least I'm not seeing red...yet...

~Isabo

dvd player died = xena!!!

So, my old dvd player finally kicked the bucket. The rocks-in-the-blender noises persisted, no matter how much I beat/whacked/thumped it. And it started skipping constantly and making "I will eat your dvd" noises. Seems it wasn't going to let me beat it into submission forever. I get no respect! So it's getting it's sorry broken ass shoved in the closet. And am I spoiled or what? I sleep all through the day and wake up (at 7pm) to a new one (same one dad brought over there bro). I've been watching RE: Apocalypse constantly (literally). Love that movie. so good. I've gotten mom addicted too. I made her watch all the extras. So now that I know my machine won't eat/harm my dvds, I can watch my xena. aiaiaiaiaiai.

Now all I have to do is wait for mom to get up so I can have breakfast with her. Then I gotta go around to all my different doctors and sign forms. You'd think they'd make it easier, like you can call and say "this is ok, yo!" I hate driving downtown. I almost got killed 2 times last week. First time was a miss by a few inches. I hate it when that happens. lol, and can you guess how I handled the stress of that situation? When I make it to the doc's office I promptly fall asleep! That's always been my response to stress. take a nap. or just cuddle up with your body pillow and stare at the wall. mmm...body pillow...

If mom would just wake up I could go to pt and get in the hot pool. it got chilly here again. it was up in the 80s and now we're in the 50s I think. not too chilly (no bro, I'm not trying to rub it in), but still. chillier than my body likes. And my damn masseuse took a vacation, can you imagine?? The gaul of that woman. How dare she ignore me. lol. maybe I'll kidnap her next time and tie her up in my closet.

random: I really like the 1st song playing in the credits of RE: A.

more random: tomorrow is the Ides of March. my thought process: Ides : Caesar : salad : stomach ache : relief : knives : I want. So apparently ides of march makes me think of caesar salad which I can't eat b/c it rips my stomach apart, and pain relief would be being stabbed like caesar? Or perhaps it comes back to me always wanting a pocket knife for convenience but never going out and getting one. Ides also made me think of a lion for some reason? Is that random or is there some connection that my mind subconsciously made? ...and a lion just made me think of food. that one makes sense. I'm hungry. and my stomach is growling. grrrr *chomp*

~random Isabo

Hitch & Resident Evil

Saw Hitch tonight, it was pretty funny and cute. And now I'm continuing mom's Resident Evil education. just thought I'd share.

~Isabo

showers & spiders

Ok, I took a shower. And I gleefully noticed that my drain is clogged again. You know what this means? It means Draino! and this means my skanky neighbor's bathroom will smell like draino too! mwuahahahaha. maybe shedding like a dog comes in handy.

and I counted 10 spider bites in varying degrees of healing. I think it might be time to vacuum my bedroom again. I still haven't figured out WHEN and WHERE I get these spider bites, so I always assume at night, when I'm sleeping. but I never find little spider bodies or anything near my bed. Nor near the chair I always sit in. Not in my car. Maybe they're little ninja spiders that come sneaking in when I least expect it.

~Isabo (walking around her apt spraying against spiders) ...I'm not about killing animals who are just trying to live, but if they bite me, they've gotta go. Little buggers. Why can't we all just get along?!

XENA!!! finally!

My heart has healed, I have xena! wahoo! I am so excited. Unfortunately my dvd player (after I beat it into submission using fist and screwdriver) decided to break again. It's bad enough trying to watch a movie and blotting out the sounds of rocks in a blender. Then it does the stop-skip-die thing. And I'm not risking xena in that. lol, I'm such a nut. I've saved up for over 3 months for this. I'm not gonna let my dying dvd player ruin that.

I slept until 5pm today. then we went out and got said xena dvds, and mom wants to go out to see a movie tonight "if it won't hurt you" I hate it when she says that, even though it's nice, but you konw...or not. Oh, and I thought of a new anagram (if that's even what these things are called. anachronym? whatever) STFU - Shut.The.F*ck.Up. It's hard to say though, SFU would be better.

And is it bad that I can't remember the last time I showered? I just put a hat on today, to hide it from everyone else. For the past two weeks I've only showered when I had to. (and when I couldn't remember the last time...obviously it having been so long ago) It's too much trouble otherwise. I can't wait until I cut my hair off (Locks of Love). Then I can just stand under the shower and not have to move my arms. Besides, I don't think my neighbors (ie. the "stop having orgies with your brother" guy) would appreciate me showering at 3 am when I'm really awake. *shudders* I am so glad that I haven't seen that guy since "the incident" ...nasty skanky dude.

Too bad I can't pull a xena on him and whup his butt. I think I'd probably end up on the news: crazy girl sent to hospital with spasming back and broken skull after attempting to kick the crap out of her neighbor. Apparently the neighbor side-stepped and the crazy girl went flying down the stairs after attempting to perform the gravity-defying flips and flying-kick-attack like the warrior princess.

~Isabo (has xena on the brain)

heartache

How is it that heartache is a physical thing? Whoever named it "heart ACHE" was correct. But it's not the physical heart that hurts. This was different than the stabbing pains I get in my chest from my ribs & those muscles being pissed off. It's a nameless something. I laid in bed for about 2 hours last night (well, this morning), trying to sleep, and just mentally "poking" and physically feeling what I felt. The center of my chest hurt, under my sternum, between my breasts. centered, not to the left like the physical heart. But what else is below your sternum? lungs? bronchi? esophagus? Those aren't involved with sadness/depression/hurt.

Why do those emotions create that physical pain. Are there chemical changes in the brain? Does my brain tell the nameless sphere beneath my sternum to hurt? Does it say "oh, you're really sad...note to self, make chest hurt" Or is it this "sphere" that tells my brain it is in pain? And why sometimes that "sphere" hurts, like it is being crushed, or a fist is squeezing, or tearing itself apart. But what about the flip side, the painful nothingness? It reminds me of The Neverending Story. It's not that the "sphere" doesn't hurt, that that absence of pain is just as bad as the painful pain. It's that the "sphere" isn't even there. There's nothing! As the big rock monster says in the movie "a hole would be something...no, there was nothing!" But how can nothing be painful?

sphere is crushed = pain. sphere not there = pain. sphere is there = no feeling, not applicable. Does this make any sense? Not to me. The mind...the body...(the soul?) all strange things. Sometimes I wish we were amoebas, it would make like so much simpler. we could just gloop around and goosh. gooshing is fun. oatmeal gooshes. actually I think oatmeal boofs. cats boof.

~Isabo wants to goosh and boof.

blogger

Ok, is blogger pissing anyone else off? I try and try and try and try to log in earlier today "page not found." Last night I try to republish my blog "page not found" (or log in, and it keeps directing you back to log in). I try to comment and have this great long comment..."page not found" so I've started copying everything I do before I hit any stupid blogger buttons.

On a happier note, mom and I are going out to melting pot tonight, with another friend. for anyone who doesn't know, melting pot is an uber expensive fondue place. But it's great if you go with a bunch and split the costs. mom and I are going simply for dessert, but our friend isn't a desserty type of person so she's eating dinner...which means we gotta wait for our dessert :( anyway, they have something called the "flaming turtle" it is so good. milk chocolate, caramel, nuts and some liquor, then they light it on fire *poof* it is sooo freaking good.

in other news, after sleeping only 4 hours for the past few nights, I crashed for a 4 hour nap today. it was so good. I think that's the best sleep I've had in months. and what better way to wake up than going to get strawberries/bananas/marshmellows/cheesecake/brownie to dip in this awesome flaming (unfortunately the fire goes out after a while) chocolate bliss.

FIRE!!! :)

~Chocolate on the mind

Tough Decision

So, came back from dinner, seems mom was ok to drive after all. Thus comes the tough decision:

Do I stay buzzed or let it wear off? I think I'm going to stay buzzed, maybe even push over into smashed. Being drunk works better than most pain pills, better than all my current ones. Although there'll be hell tomorrow, I think I'll take a small respite tonight. I deserve it...Luckily for me I have some beer in the fridge. I'd rather a whiskey and coke, or quarenta y tres, or maybe some baileys but I've had 4 beers and I find after that I better stick to beer, otherwise it gets unpleasant.

~Cheers from a tipsy Isabo

Engrish

I thought I would post 2 of my engrish pictures from japan. First one was outside a restaurant (kyoto), second one was randomly on the side of a building (hiroshima). I thought I had more, but I don't.


This area is entranse 2nd floor
don't shit down!!

Warning
No Cheap Taggin
Fuck
Fool(Pool?) Homeboy
Kill
The Fool(Pool?)


I thought they were funny anyway. Here are the t-shirts.

This one is hilarious, I love it. They get the right idea about men *snickers* just kidding:

A time progresses,
and man's
heart will become a
cave although scientific
evolution accomplished the leap.

This one was on a shopping bag, from a clothing store:
sorry this clothes can't protect you from a radio activity, an accident, a crime, and a racist.

And another t-shirt:

RELAX
See your face dancing in the flame
Feel your mouth kissing me again
What a beautiful buzz,
Give me a little drink from you loving cup
Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk
Back to the bedroom, with a cup of tea
and it lights a candle, and yearns for something some.
Let's go for the trip of 100million light year
if it sticks to the sleep soon.

Oh, and here's another sign, that was hilarious. I love the pictures. It was at a monkey zoo on top of a mountain. (click for larger pick):


Monkey sign


Hope you enjoy. and if you want to see the other way around (stupid english mistakes of japanese/chinese) go visit Hanzi Smatter

~Isabo :)

Shortest visit ever

So, I went to see psycho doc today. I fell asleep in the waiting room (see previous post about sleeping), big surprise, right? So he called my name and startled the hell outta me. I walk back, we talk about my going exorcist-psycho, he cringes, we decide to go back to my old meds, he gives me more refills, I leave. 11 minutes. I stand in front of the check-out counter and the girl was like "what the hell are you doing here?? he's done already??" So, 35 minute drive each way for something I coulda done over the phone.

That and I almost got killed while driving downtown. Some idiot ran a red light, and our light had turned green and we all were going. The dude stopped about a few inches from the guy to the left of me. I'm glad, he woulda barged into me and the guy in front and probably shoved us into the other lane.

It's been a fun day so far. but we're going out to special dinner for mom's belated b-day tonight. I wish I could drink, but I gotta drive since she's got a fractured wrist, it's hard for her to shift. och well.

Cheers,
Isabo

no xena & sleeping

I am so bitter. I've been waiting for something. I went to fry's to get Xena today. I've saved up for it. and they didn't have it. I'm heart broken. no stupid tv show to laugh hysterically at and shout "aiaiaiaiaiaiai" and listen to the hilarious commentary (dude, you wanna hear a funny woman, listen to lucy lawless (aka xena)). And yes, I realize I can go out to walmart and get a copy, they probably haven't (sold out or bothered to stock it?).

I got laughed at by an old woman today. I took mom to a dr's appt (she fractured her wrist a month ago and did nothing, crazy woman...) anyway, so I was sitting in the waiting room. And if I sit still for more than 5 minutes, I usually fall asleep (I did this waiting for a rheumatologist up in boston, I read an arthritis magazine that said signs of sleep deprivation, that was one of them. I think it listed 7, and I only got to 4 before falling asleep. the doctor had to come out and get me when I didn't answer the calls to my name). So, I fall asleep today, and jump about a foot off my chair when mom touches me. I always jolt violently when awakened. It doesn't matter if you scream at me, whisper my name, touch me, or what. *touch* *jerk* and my eyes pop wide open and dart wildly around the room, looking for danger :)

ooh, I can tell some funny sleeping stories. I may have mentioned some of these before? I'm too lazy to check.

manky woke me up with tea. she didn't drop it. she DID clang the spoon around on the cup but that isn't what woke me. She said she stirred her tea and looked over, and I started sniffing in my sleep and sat upright and said "ooh! that smells good!" always thinking with my stomach even while sleeping

manky was trying to move a stack (I'm talking 2 feet tall here) of books off her desk. *tilt* the entire pile, tumbles over, and she makes a grab for it and knocks more stuff off her desk *CRASH* does Isabo stir? she does not. manky waits, frozen. Isabo is dead to the world. manky sighs in relief...but then! a single sheet of paper flutters off the desk and touches the floor *jerk* Isabo is awake.

manky & Isabo are sleeping. There is this violent shaking, then shouts, and loud crashing stomping noises, followed by some beeping, and finally the door slamming shut. manky & Isabo are sleeping. door opens, crashing resumes, the rustle of another bed. manky & Isabo are sleeping. It seems there was a fire drill at 8am (that's the middle of the night in manky & Isabo terms), 3rd roomate, loud and obnoxious, tried to wake us and made all that noise (we're not even going there. she is not a topic of discussion. she is nothing to us). we blissfully ignored her and the fire drill. I don't think I ever went out to a fire drill when I was sleeping. They never usually woke me up, and when they did I said I'd rather sleep and burn than bother putting on a coat and walking down stairs. Besides, our dorm was old, and it had a 3 minute burn time. we wouldn't even get downstairs before it burned down. And it was usually kitchen fires (aka stupid girl catches bagel on fire).

Isabo took a required creative writing class first semester of college. Isabo also woke up at 4:30am for crew. Isabo is a night person. Isabo would wake up when manky went to sleep. Isabo would often stay up with manky. Isabo usually got 2-4 hours of sleep. writing class, which Isabo hates, was boring. and it was at 8:30am, right after crew. and Isabo had just porked out on breakfast. Isabo needed her rest. Unfortunately the class was only 12 people, situated at an ovular table. Often times, Isabo would fall asleep, head and arms throw across the table in oblivion...right next to the prof. Isabo would often sleep through her next class, until she mentioned it. After that, last person leaving class would be kind enough to wake Isabo up. Isabo was often shaken awake during class, would answer questions, and fall back asleep. One time Isabo could not be awakened. Name was called 5 times (loudly), physically shaken. when none of this worked, they let her be. Isabo stayed awake for 3 classes the entire semester. Isabo was told she needed to re-think her priorities. Isabo passed with a B+ and felt her priorities were fine. Isabo obviously thought highly of her prof's advice.

Isabo fell asleep while rowing one day. Isabo didn't feel well. But crew buddies in the dorm physically drug her out of bed. Isabo never felt well at 4:30am (Isabo often lied about being "sick"). Today is a mock-race, to learn how to pace ourselves. Isabo falls asleep, is yelled to get her "head up," but coxin (how the hell do you spell that!?) thought coach said "weigh enough" (=stop rowing), we stop. couch is not happy. Isabo is nauseous. couch quickly takes us back to shore and shoves Isabo in the van.

Isabo goes to astronomy class. Isabo forgets to take her backpack down, and simply sits down and immediately puts her head on the table. Isabo wakes up at end of class, with a lake (and I DO mean a LAKE) of drool pooled on the table. Isabo tries to wipe it up, and finally just leaves. Isabo had note from prof "next time you're that sick (I really was that time!), just stay home and sleep" Isabo took her advice.

The bunked bed shakes. manky (on top) looks down to see "what the hell" Isabo is doing. Isabo is sleeping. bed is shaking. Isabo is sleeping. manky goes back to sleep. this was when that earthquake mid continent was felt up north.

Isabo slept through her junior year of highschool. Friends joked that Isabo had narcolepsy. Isabo was just an insomniac (is that news to anyone?). Isabo got on avg 2-4 hrs sleep every night. Isabo slept through all her classes. Luckily Isabo didn't snore. Isabo would jerk upright in econ, laugh hysterically until she cried, stop dead, and put her head back down and sleep. Isabo once fell asleep sitting up with her head tilted back. Isabo choked on her drool and started coughing and hacking, disrupting the entire class. Isabo would always have sweater designs/note-book creases imprinted on her cheeks. Isabo would drool all over the tables and on herself. Isabo once jerked and almost fell out of chair, tipping the desk over and violently and loudly righting it. Isabo put her head down to sleep, it was a computer class. The whole class eventually stopped as more and more people noticed an annoying and continuous squeal "beeeeeep," Isabo's head was holding the keys down on the keyboard. Another time, Isabo jerked and her arm threw the keyboard off the desk. teacher was not happy. Isabo fell asleep for a physics exam. woke up halfway and somehow managed to finish (and pass!). Isabo came home, with a full backpack and 3 huge books held in front of her with her arms. Isabo fell face first on her bed, her shoe-d feet dangling off the side, backpack still on, laying on top of books. Mother's friend was disturbed, mother simply closed bedroom door.

ok, I think that's enough for now. My posts seem to be getting longer and longer. when I first started out they were small paragraphs. now they're novellas. I don't know how that makes me feel...

~Isabo...debating between alcohol and pain meds...a tough decision. alcohol works better but the paybacks are a bitch. pain meds are iffy and paybacks are iffy...storm front coming, better stick to meds...

Awake? what? who?

Yes, 4:20am, I'm still awake. I have spent 4 hours reading Tian's (what tian has learned) blog. Freaking hilarious. Go read it. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I still have to go through his blog. I'm interested since I studied Japanese. I always loved it when guys walk around with "man" or girls with "woman" on their arms...always reminds me of public restrooms? or dog, that one's funny too. are they calling themselves a dog? do they like dogs? or does the kanji/character just look cool? lol. Although the Japanese have lots of EngRish. I know I was in a KFC there, and their emergency fire escape ladder sign said "fire escape Ladder. Use this Radder in case of fire. Lower Ladder using..." I thought it was funny. Actually I have some funny signs from Japan, I should post them...how do you post pictures? I'll figure it out.

I suppose I should go to sleep now, the 'rents will be here in ~7 hours. Give me 5min (optimistic) - never (pesimistic) (most likely shorter amount of time since I'm drugged, and will use muscle relaxer on top of that to sleep). Strangely enough, these pain killers don't make me sleepy, just stupid and out of it. (hey, at least I can blame it on something, right! mwuaha!). In highschool I was always knocked out and drooling everywhere (literally). I was sometimes afraid to use the computer...joked about dripping drool on the keyboard and setting of sparks *boom* *whoosh* there goes Isabo.

Oh right, I was heading off to bed, wasn't I? Or am I? I think I'm a type A personality, b/c I always want to finish something, not stop in the middle (aka reading Tian's blog for 4 hours). I could have gone to bed at midnight. I'm as exhausted now as I was then, I'm as only-slightly-sleepy as I was then. I wonder if being a student warped me. I got so used to all-nighters, that I automatically push myself to stay awake? nah, that couldn't be it :) That's right, blame everything on the education system. THEY made me procrastinate. THEY made me play MUDs, chat on IM, look for cool fantasy pictures (no, not that kind you sicko), etc.

I just lost my train of thought. I'm going to shut up now. And go dream about my wet-suit turned inside out. I wonder if I can get the 'rents to skip lunch with me...nah, I never pass up food. especially since they'll probably want to eat out. I can't wait till dad leaves (oops, that sounds bad, not like that!) b/c once he's gone, and we don't have to go to the restaurants he likes, since he's here for so short a time, we can go to sushi! (sorry bro *snickers*) that's the best place ever. unagi...mmm... *drools* and azuki icecream! I looooooove red beans. it's an aquired taste I heard, but I love it...mmm, mochi (hehehe, you too mochi, actually you're as sweet as the candy...aw crap, that sounded bad (Does Y. read this?). it's taken out of context! and I can't say anything that sounds innocent even though it was...let's see, "lick" won't work, "bite" won't work...HEADBUTT!!! headbutt the woogies! WOOGIES *bite* *chomp* ...I'm just digging myself deeper here aren't I?) actually manky was quite tasty too...especially the time I licked chocolate off her arm. Can you believe she was gonna wipe it off?? What kind of nut throws away SWEDISH chocolate?! (Marabou, you have to try it, so good) So of course I would lick it off her arm, right? right? never waste chocolate. ever.

(mochi - you have warped me, I have to physically restrain myself from poking people's woogies in public. bad mochi!)

ok, I'm finally off to bed, I've rambled for 20 minutes, that's enough, right?

~nighty night...Isabo *drools*

Psycho again

Ok: good news (for my parents I think), I have figured out that they are only 85% annoying/angering on days that I am either in pain or have forgotten my zoloft. Which meant tonight they were about 95% annoying (in pain & forgot zoloft). Otherwise they're only about...I'll say 5-10% annoying, as I think most family members are (except for bro...although you can get bad when you're "pms'ing" and before anyone mentions it, yes, bro is obviously a boy, and yes, he does pms, just not on such a regular occassion as girls). Luckily today, unlike Saturday, I wasn't a psycho demon with the exorcist vomiting/head spinning. Maybe the pain pills relaxed me a bit, they tend to do that.

And I'm officially in a flare now. I talked with my masseuse today, about whether or not she beat the crap out of me last week, but she didn't. So my body was just pissed off. And I'm sure my emotional outburst didn't help either. So now I'm walking around like the 80 yr old women who were in the heated pool with me today. I wish I could live in a heated pool. You could just float me food and I could float you money.

They need to invent a body suit. Like a wet suit that holds an inch layer of water between your body and the world...with a temperature gadge! I think I'd crank mine over 100 all the time. and walk around with frozen drinks to sip. But I guess you'd need special gloves that could drain and re-fill so you could hold things. and maybe the suit would be from neck down, I don't wanna wear a helmet all the time. Oh! and if people annoy me I can hose them down...hey, that's an idea, strap a water gun to my leg and squirt innocent passerby's. But then I'd need a "refueling" station...water fountains? bathrooms? plentiful enough. unless I'm in sweden, where you have to pay for public toilets...oh, duh, it's an archipelego, never mind. Oooh! I could crank my heat up on my suit and float around between the islands when I visit! That's a thought :) Ow...I guess I'd need a catheter...actually those don't really hurt once they're in. and I'd gladly take that if I had a body suit. Then if people REALLY pissed me off I'd hose 'em down with that! mwuahahaahaha *ahem* I think I've got a good idea going here. I know all us hot-pool users at PT would go for it. Any other thoughts as to accessories for these suits?

...is it obvious I'm drugged? :) I hate this though, I have a painkiller headache. Why is it that pain killers give you pain?? Does that make any sense at all? And I hate the sound sensitive stuff...like you're in a long, echoing tunnel, and all the tenor in the world is turned down. and it's at once loud but soft, like it's in your head but miles away. and the damn ringing increases. What? WHAT? WHAAAAAT? oh, yea, well I think so...what? Oh, no, not at all. what? It's surprising I don't drive the 'rents equally crazy. Although mom understands...but then again she's deaf anyway. unless it's that selective hearing thing again. bro, does she talk this loudly over there? She was basically yelling tonight. even dad said she was talking loudly. crazy woman.

they went out and got fried chicken tonight. they are obsessed. I don't know why mom doesn't just fry some over there. You can get the right oil, and sure the flour is a little different...and the chickens are small (but tastier!). ack, that reminds me, this chick in highschool used to bring cold fried chicken to school for snack and eat it in the middle of class (there were a bunch of us who didn't have lunch period, or were psycho busy, so they let us snack in class). So all of us were sitting there before lunch, drooling, it was impossible to listen to the teacher, who was drooling herself and trying to concentrate on teaching. We threatened the girl repeatedly, and she finally got the idea one day when we attacked her like rabid animals. I was bitter, I was drugged (pain meds of course) and was too slow to get any chicken...actually, I think that was the class where I drooled on the table and fell out of my seat (sleeping...while drugged).

I was going to say something but I forgot what...lol, that reminds me, the movie teh Replacements (keanu reeves and a bunch of guys being replacement football plaers), one of the exotic dancers always says "OH! I forgot" and everyone freezes and waits for her to say, but she never says, just stares off, and the other girl says "oh, she does that all the time" ...reminded me of me :)

speaking of movies, I showed the 'rents The Village tonight. They really liked it. They were so pissed, after christmas, when they went back to sweden, it came out on dvd the next day! mwuaahahaa, I went out and gleefully bought it and watched it. I love that movie, and the music. I may go watch it again. It was sorta interesting (I won't say anything in case you haven't seen--go see it right now!) but right after we finished it, I hit the wrong button on the remote, and the tv switched back from movie mode to tv mode, and there was a war special on. Interesting, right? ironic? like rain on your wedding day? it's meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful HUSBAND. I don't know why she said wife, husband is so much more ironic.

oh, I know what I was going to say, or at least I think it was what I was thinking I wanted to say...? luckily I was too drugged to remember my dreams (if I even dreamed) last night, but obviously the nightmares are back (or not) (just one dose of zoloft and bam! like magic), and I jerked awake so violently I cracked my neck. which hurt like hell (I think?) but that's ironic right? I wanted/tried to pop my neck ALL day long, and my body finally manages it once I'm asleep.

~a slightly drugged, slightly listing to one side, slightly out of it Isabo

ps damnit, the bastards living below me started up their instruments (or their cd player, I haven't figured out which one yet). Every once in a while, they play music loudly, and I only hear the bass, but it shakes the floor...actually I think his door is open, it's still annoying though. biatch. just thought I'd share. I haven't decided either whether he is 1. playing music/instrument because he wants to or 2. because he's getting it on. If it's b/c he's getting it on I'm bitter, I hate it when people rub it in. Actually I hate it anyway, it's annoying just hearing the bass. He could at least play all the music together...unless he only has a bass guitar...in which case he should shut up b/c he sucks. or he could play during the day, not at night until 2am.

EdgeFest 14

OK, decision time. Do I want to go to EdgeFest 14? Bands playing (not including starters and locals):

(these are ranked how I want to see them...actually, they're all tied, nevermind. but these are the main attractions for me)
1.Papa Roach
1.Breaking Benjamin (awesome in concert, saw them at edgefest 13)
1.Chevelle
2.Trust Company
2.Crossfade
2.Sum 41
2.Alterbridge

The rest I'm not sure about, don't really like, or have never heard of:
Jimmy Eat World
Billy Idol
Unwritten Law
The Exies
Skindred
Theory of a Deadman


It will physically kill me, but well worth it. The only drawback is, it's in april, and no one will be around, and all my friends are in different states...so do I be a loser like last summer and go alone and feel self conscious and ask strangers to watch my stuff and hold my place but go enjoy the music while I drink the frozen margaritas and mix those with pain pills and/or muscle relaxers and spend the day snoozing on the incredibly hard and slanted and painful lawn (so much so that it's excruciating to move, while at the concert, and I can barely drive home...don't worry, I leave enough time for the pain meds/margaritas to wear off) and enjoying the huge ass vibrations (we're talking t-rex roar entire body vibrates) of the loud ass music? Or do I stay home like a loser instead? The day will last from about 8am to 1am. I will be destroyed after that for AT LEAST one week. But like I said, I went last summer, and it was worth it...but they had Evanescence. I went solely for them, and they didn't let me down. Amy Lee kicks ass.

Although I'm so pissed, it says lawn tickets are selling for 20! last year was 18.50. Man, I want my 1.50 back.

So, I'm obviously leaning towards going. Any different opinions? Eh? Nani? What? Fire? oooh, fire, I need to buy a lighter! I always want a lighter at a concert and never remember. last summer I used my cell phone. it was sorta freaking looking around at all these glowing cell phones and lighters.

~FIRE

M&M's (or Skittles)

Ok ok, I know, I shoudl have had enough blogging today, but I'm bored. And I was thinking about food = sweets = chocolate. and I was looking at some christmas lights I have on over the fireplace. lights = colors. So that led me to m&m's (chocolate & colors). See, I'm not totally crazy. So, that led me to the way I eat my m&ms. I dump them all out and seperate them by color. Then I either eat them least-->most liked (brown, either orange or yellow, then either green or red, and blue last), or the other way around. Brown is definitely least liked color, and blue is awesome. green is most often 2nd place, but sometimes I have to swap it around with the 3rd place red. I do the same thing with skittles...although truthfully I only eat those with others around, and I pick out all the red and purple and leave the other colors for everyone else 0:) So I'm curious: how do you eat your m&m's/skittles? cram them in your mouth? divide and conqueour?

that's another thing (m&ms only), do you let them melt in your mouth and then crunch the hard candy shell (if it stays unmelted), or do you chew/bite? I usually melt...although I prefer to melt a few at a time, and then squish together into a lump and let it melt some more.

yep...that's it. now I want m&ms and the 'rents have the car :( *le sigh*

Random goofiness

So, since I was so dark this morning, I thought I would share a random thing:

In my apt, when my neighbor (yes bro, this is the guy that accused me of having really loud orgies with you...luckily I haven't seen him since) when he showers, my bathroom gets all steamy and I can smell his shampoo. Now, this is pretty funny, b/c for the last week I've been attacking my bath/shower with Tilex and Draino...I sorta feel sorry for him. I get a nice flowery shampoo smell, and he gets a acrid, eye-watering Draino-ammonia stench! mwauahaha, is that payback or what?? I think I might be evil.

Hehehe, I'm a posting fool!

Wow, so this is what, the 4th post today? Yah! Go me.

I just thought I'd say that Zoloft is amazing. After 2 hours of a double dose I am feeling more human (or humane? maybe both). Lunch went ok with the parents. They had to hurry so we just did fast food. I almost barfed every where with dad driving though...he gets a little...I think mom used the word "zealous" lol, he definitely likes the spunky car. So I drove home. I'm sure the inside of my car thanks me. So they're out looking at more town houses. That gives me more time to adjust myself. The horrible black canyon underneath my feet has distanced itself a bit. The ground I'm standing on is no longer crumbling, but seems to be holding. The crushing hand squeezing my heart has let up a bit (although I must admit the double dose of zoloft has added the big huge "anxious hand" that's squeezing my heart with the hand-shaking spastic-ness and the impending sense of doom...or maybe I've simply stepped back from the cliff edge so instead of a "doom NOW!!!" feeling, it's b/c more "impeding" sense. Who knows, I sure as hell don't.

I feel guilty though. I feel like I should bake mom a cake though, but I'm still so nauseous that I don't think me standing anywhere near food is a good idea. Maybe I'll go buy her some ice cream and a candle. We're gonna celebrate her dinner next week we think. Go to benihana's (it's one of those places where they make the japanese food on the big huge silver hot table thing in front of you while spinning and twirling the sharp knives and making a lot of noise). Hopefully I'll be more human and less demonic-beast by that point.

Speaking of nauseous demonic beasts, I've decided, just an hour ago, to quit the sleepig meds too. I can't live with this horrible nausea/flu/ickiness anymore. It's funny. The psychiatrists (and any doctor for that matter) will say "hold off on those meds and wait a while, I'll see you next week." Do they ever realize that that ONE WEEK can be a lifetime of hell? That you may not survive that one week? If I hadn't snapped today, I don't know if I would have been here tomorrow (except for the fact that I made a deal with mom, and I am an honorable creature and will always honor her wish and ask for help first). So I'm basically saying "screw you" to the docs, and doing my own thing. I would rather not sleep for a week than sleep and feel like I do now. Maybe I'll dope up on muscle relaxers at night for a while. Although now that the wonderful zoloft is back I may not be sleeping at all due to nightmares. Hey, my nightly entertainment will be back! woohoo! At least some exciting and interesting things will happen :)


On a totally different note, although I have basically been bitching non stop today, I do realize how lucky I am. Taking Herbinator's advice I'm currently reading through cat's blog. I'm not through reading yet, but I understand so much of what she's said, of what she's experienced. And it makes me yet again realize how lucky I truly am. I AM living. my illness is not progressive, although it often feels that way. My time isn't limited by my fibro, unless my mental health slips again, or something outta my control occurs...like the redneck who tried to run me off the road yesterday. (Unlike my dear friend Wynee, who was run over by a dumptruck, I am still here. Rest in peace dearest Wynee, I love you, and miss you dearly. Although, it seems every time I think of you I'm always smiling at the mischief we were involved in. Thank you for sharing your time with me, I'll always treasure it.)

My mom turned 53 today, and her motto in life is "I'm old, and I'm glad I made it here!" Earlier today, before the zoloft kicked in, my unspoken comment to that was "I wish something would put me out of my misery," and "I don't want to last that long," and thoughts like that. But now I'm thinking that I don't want to leave now. There ARE things I'd miss. Even through all the hardships and pains, I have a gift of life, and I shouldn't throw that away. Although truthfully, I barely had any control. That would not have been ME choosing a path. that would have been me watching a path be chosen. So yea, I'm glad I'm alive. I'm glad I have a chance to live. Although I may be scared, depressed, and pained...I am grateful.

~Signing off for now (hehehe, I've already posted 4 times today, and gone through 3 mecurial mental alterations, who knows whats to come). I may be shortly posting again. Who knows...

my current song motto: from "Within Temptation" (some european goth group bro sent me):

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes, and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
stand my ground.

made a decision

So, wow, am I in a blogging mood or what? After lying down on my bed...for how ever long it was between this post and the last and bawling my eyes out (which was sept '03 when we thought mom was dying...so this is not normal for me...ever), I popped a double dose of zoloft and decided to put myself back on it for the time being. So bro, thank you and sorry. Now, I have about 20 minutes before the parents get back, lets just hope I can get under some semblance of "jolly happy fun" feeling. I hope my psych isn't too pissed. But I at least know zoloft is relatively "safe" (ie I won't go spewing my guts out). he wanted me to wait just on the wellbutrin until our next meeting, but that obviously doesn't hack it just by itself. makes me feel bad that I'm psycho enough that one anti-d can't hack it...but makes me feel good that obviously there is something wrong with me and the meds are necessary...that make sense? *deep breaths* bri, unless I start bawling again during lunch, please don't mention this to mom. I don't want her to worry more than she already is.

And for some reason I just thought of that Neil Gaiman quote again, "Can I help you?" said the footman. Richard had been told to fuck off and die with more warmth and good humor.

damnit, now I have a "crying headache" lol, it's not even lunch time yet, I'm not gonna hazard a guess at what else could go wrong today. Do you see now why sometimes I never want to wake up? Why sometimes I feel safer not going to sleep? My uterus hurts too :( I hate cramps...ahhh...understanding comes. that's why I'm extra-psycho-crazy. gotta love those hormones. maybe the hormones released from my crying bout will make me feel better. although truthfully, I think when you cry, you should release anti-crying-headache-chemicals. Luckily (or is it unluckily?) I hardly ever cry.

*physically pulls face into smiling position* now I need some freeze spray

Fucking A...

That was my response to Bro's post to my previous post. It's mom's b-day today...and my response is punching down on my chair and screaming "fucking a!" what does that say about my state of mind? Not to mention the fact that I got so pissed off in the shower that I was too tired to wash my hair, instead of punching the tiles (hahaha, get this...I didn't want to hurt myself!) I instead grabbed two fistfulls of my hair and yanked...needless to say, that hurt! So then I get outta the shower and decide I want to punch the wall anyway, but don't want to hurt it, b/c that's yet another damned thing I'll have to pay for...interestingly enough, human skin apparently leaves oranges smudges on a creamish/once-white wall when you punch it hard enough to scuff your knuckles, but not hard enough to break through to blood. Isn't that funny? And that didn't make me feel better, so I instead pounded on the wall, and got pissed off when I hurt my hand. So...taht's where I'm at right now. Pissed off and un able to beat the shit out of something enough to releive my stress...and now it's mom's b-day...that's just fucking swell. And this makes me sound like an ingrateful little shit, but I think maybe bro is the only one who will truly understand I'm not bitching at mom for it being her b-day, but rather bitching at myself for not being in control, being too enraged, and just utterly fucked up enough to not 1. remember, and 2. now have to torment myself and hold in all this rage and be "happy" for her. But I'll do it...for her. She deserves it. What's a little more emotional pain, I'll just shove it inside with all the rest. Goddamn it, why am I crying now!? I NEVER fucking cry.

Bro, if you tell her about this, you are fried. I don't care how much I like you. ... *huggles*

~fuck

Blah

Blah...that describes how I'm feeling now a days. I hate this feeling. I can feel myself slipping deeper back into depression. I'm still on one anti-d, but the other was making me so sick I stopped. My once tentative hold on emotions has flown out the window...and at the very inopportune time of the 'rents visiting. Now I know many children get annoyed about their parents. Hell, I hear mom bitching about gma constantly, and begging "if I get like this when I'm older, PLEASE TELL ME!" lol, too late for her she is already like gma *raises an eyebrow at bro* you know what I mean. Anyhoo. Yes, it's a parent's job to drive their kids crazy, and it's a kid's job to drive their parents crazy...however, I don't believe it's too normal to want to punch through a wall at the sound of their voice. who knows, maybe it is. I've gone over this on previous blogs, so I won't be too redundant...since my entire life is redundant at this point (blog including). Although I suppose I should thank bigbikkuri for his quiz, that brough new ideas to the table. although I still can't believe I posted that. Seems weird, I'm embarassed enough for friends/family to know my sexual activities, now all the srangers with internet can know if they want. *le sigh* but I'm not removing it. Once I post something, it stays. Sorta like bro was saying he wasn't gonna edit his posts. now, true, I do edit sometimes, since I make enough typos to choke a horse (where the heck does that phrase come from anyway?? is it tough to choke a horse? I know they can't vomit, but choking?)

Oops, I ran off again. what was my original intentions of posting? Oh yes. Apparently I need that other anti-depressant. Wish I could go back to the old one that made me anxious, and increased my nightmares, and the intensities. that was something to get used to as well. Realising that your dreams couldn't kill you. It's one thing to say "this rabid pumpkin with a gun can't REALLY kill you" and then dreaming it and thinking "damn, this is REAL!!!" so that's what that medicine did, everythign seemed more realistic. I actually WANT that feeling back, rather than what I'm feeling now. But I'm never going on cymbalta again. Talking about horses vommiting, dude, I felt like the exorcist with the pea soup. not a good feeling. So not going on that. It seems the sleeping meds are still making me sick too. Now I don't want to go to bed b/c at bedtime I at least don't want to hurl all over the world. I feel really bad, 'rents are all the way over here from Sweden, and last night they were gonna come over and make steak. So what do I do? After massage I crash at 5pm, and go to sleep. At some time during the darkening evening, I'm awakened to them talking to me. I wake up around 2am realizing they decided not to cook and wake me up. Poor peeps. and that's one of my dad's greatest joys in life, cooking on the grill, since he can't do that in sweden.

ack, I lost sight of my post again I think. maybe I shouldn't even bother keeping myself on track. Anyway. Let's just say that I'm standing back at the edge of the cliff overlooking the black, bottomless ravine and the ground is crumbling beneath my feet. After being here so many times I know that 1. I will find nothing to break my fal. and 2. I won't CARE if I find something to break my fall. Now, eventually I know the docs will find me some new anti-d that will help stable me again. But it's always scary to stand at this point, over looking the darkness below that you know ultimately leads to one outcome (aka death). I assume something will catch me before that point. I do know that it is up to me to make the one last move towards that point, which I won't make while "the pact" with the 'rents still stands. Regardless of any of that "ending" stuff that is in the future, it is the here and now that is most terrifying for me. I know that I can be more stable, and while not be happy, at least find some enjoyable things in life. I know that I can semi control my emotions and outbursts. it's scary having a loss of control, especially if it's one of the things you used to pride yourself on. it's scary because I have been there before, I know what to expect, and i know I DON'T want to feel that way. it is a dark, horrible, yucky feeling (and that's the understatement of the century). But standing here now, there's nothing I can do, but wait and see what happens.

anyway, I'm sorry for the rents, having to be here with me like this. Today they're going house shopping I think. So at least they can get their chores done while I stay alone, try not to turn exorcist on them (in both the vommiting sense and the psycho, head-spinning sense), and hold myself under control. Ok, they're here, better run before they read over my shoulder

~Cheers

re: Bigbikkuri pop quiz

Like before, I was gonna comment to a comment, but my reply was too long anyway, so I'm putting it here as a new post:

bigbikkuri said...
quiz question: if you are currently experiencing a bout of Fibro pain, but at the same time induce an orgasm - what do you feel?

***warning: this is both an informative and bitching post...informative about my pathetic lack of sex life, and bitching about my pathetic lack of sex life! mwuahahahaha*** le sigh

so, my reply:
whenever I'm in a "flare" I usually either:

1. am not interested in sex/orgasms (pain decreases sex drive...and the depression doesn't help too much either...and antidepressants don't help--which seems odd, doesn't it?)

2. couldn't stand the physical activities needed to reach orgasm (yes, this includes simple finger movements). Too painful to move, too painful to be touched, too painful, period, so I can't answer you.


Otherwise, if I'm not in a flare, and just in "normal" pain rather than excruciating, then orgasms feels like normal...I've never had one when I wasn't in pain, so I couldn't answer as to how that would be different from other situations. I've never had one when I wasn't on anti-depressants. I could compare notes with "normal" girls and see what they say. I do know that some friends have had mind-blowing orgasms, blacked out, loved it, it was heaven, etc, where as mine have always been just sorta iffy, and "yea, that was ok" or "that was it??" *le sigh*

I can also tell you it's a pain in the ass to reach orgasm for multiple reasons:
1. antidepressants sorta block that, I could have sex for 10 hours straight and never reach orgasm. They can either block your sex drive, so you don't care about sex, or they apparently can also block your ability to orgasm. (so you're still horny as hell, just can't get off *points to self*)
2. (since I'm single) I'm physically incapable of getting myself there. Either don't have the strength, stamina or too painful (this can be pain in general, pain in arms/hands/hips/etc or vagina as well). So it usually becomes a choice between
A) do I want to go to the trouble, pain, and fatigue to reach a brief bit of iffy "ok" pleasure and
B) do I mind having to pay for it later (ie being sore/fatigued/physically useless the next hours/days/week).
3. (if I wasn't single) all of the above would still apply. Though it's even more painful/fatiguing for the fact that I feel obligated to participate (and will probably push myself past my phsyical limit). Plus the fact that someone else is doing things to my body, and they can't know what hurts and doesn't. And then again there's the choice of do I tell them it hurts/ask them to stop/(piss them off?)/(hurt their feelings?)/etc or deal with it and let them orgasm while I lie there like a dead fish...sorta like Romy & Michelle's High School Reuion: "I'm coming! Ok, get off me now." lol...except it's more like "ok, you came, get off me now"
4. pain dampens sexual drive, so don't even care to go to trouble...or are too doped up on pain meds to be of any use to yourself.


So, all in all I have no sex life, and I have a miniscule masturbation life. Like every other activity in my life, I have to decide whether or not the results of the activity (orgasm/endorphines/pleasure/whatever) are worth the consequences of increased pain and fatigue. And yes, I am always horny as hell. I'm hornier than a goat on E. And often can't do anything about it. Sometimes I'll read online stuff (pictures don't do much for me). That usually just worsens the situation b/c then I'm hot and bothered and stuck in that situation until I CAN do something about it, but it is never satisfying, and sometimes not even worth the effort. What really pisses me off is when I'm uber horny, and actually go to the trouble of trying to orgasm, and never making it. Then I'm uber horny, pissed off, worn out and sore and feel...not dejected...not depressed. damnit, I can't think of the word. frustrated? fill in the blank with an emotion you'd feel if you were horny and couldn't get off no matter how hard you tried.

Yea, so, hope that answers your questions. Probably way too much information, lol, sorry, I was on a roll. I never realized how pathetic my lack of sex life was. Doesn't that make you all feel better about yourselves? :) lol. I suppose I should be happy that I at least still have my sex organs, unlike that African tribe where they cut them off at puberty *shudders* that would hurt. But then again they're not much use to me right now. but at least I have a choice *le sigh*

~frustrated & horny as usual

Give me strenght...the 'rents

So, parents arrived, completely jetlagged. I was not in much better shape from sleeping only 3 hours this morning. We just had dinner and they went back to their hotel. And already, after...less than 2 hours, I am...I can't remember the word. not fearing...anyway, looking ahead to their time here...I'm already feeling annoyed, anxious, tired. I wonder if it's b/c the anti-d meds are wearing off and I'm slipping into an ever more unstable psycho angry mode, or if I'm just sleep deprived and easily annoyed.

So, for about 2 1/2 weeks I'll have to wear myself out with my internal struggles. I hate internal struggles. No one else can see them, unless the battle spills over (ie I yell and kick you out of my apt)...sorta like my body. Mom said "wow, you look great..." ... ... ... and after that loooong awkward silence I just said "yea" in a very unconvincing way. In truth at the moment I would have knocked a stranger and strangled them for a pain pill. And it annoys/hurts/angers me when people always say "oh, you look so good/healthy/well!" and I never am. It's hard...

It's always interesting that I can look so "normal" and "well" on the outside, and be in so much physical and mental pain and no one else can see it. Except for my manky, she knows me...that's another interesting thing. My best friend can tell when I feel bad, yet my parents can't? Seems like they should know me, be able to look at my eyes ("windows of the soul", eh?), my body language. And of course I try to hide what I'm actually feeling, which could be why they can't tell that I'm in semi bad shape. manky bam always saw through my false faces though...or perhaps I just let her, I'm not sure I bothered with false facades (sorry, I know I was a psychopathic roommate). mochi could tell as well...but she's like a superhuman hero with special powers, so maybe she just feels I'm off. She always knows when I need that one cyber *hug*

Anyhoo, this is just another case of me bitching about how pitiful my life seems, when I should probably be glad that I'm alive, even if not well. It's weird. I hate complaining about myself, and try not to, and just hide my pain in real life. Guess this is my outlet. So if you are unfortunately reading this, run away while you can. Dark and deadly, I will ruin your day!...damn, that doesn't rhyme, I thought it did but then re-read it and realized it didn't...I think my last brain cell just fluttered away :)

~Love & hugs to everyone

Re: sleeping w/o meds (bro's comment)

Yea, so bro commented on my last post, but I always feel weird commenting on my own blog, and I started blathering on and on, so I figured I'd make it a post. in response to bro, who asked:

what's it like without any sleeping meds?

ratarded relaxation tapes may be cool ... with lit candles. you can go all uber romantic on yourself ... wait. Never mind.

Here's my answer: (and you'll notice it's 6:39am my time...I obviously didn't go to sleep tonight...lastnight...whatever. Is it b/c I was in bed for 18 hours yesterday? Or is it b/c my mind is racing? Or is it b/c I'm too tired to sleep. Or is it a suggestion of my previous post that I don't want to go to sleep b/c then I'll eventually have to wake up and face the next day? I'll let you pick one, all, or none of the above. Make this interactive blogging :)

sleep w/o sleep meds:
1. I never go to sleep
2. I don't get sleepy (I can be exhausted without being sleepy)
3. My mind races and won't stop
4. I'm too tired to sleep (can't understand this until it happens to you, me thinks)
5. I wake up every 5 minutes (sorta like you when you're drunk and you kick me repeatedly when we share a bed at xmas...actually I did this to you too I think) ^_~
6. I lay (lie? I can never remember) there and never fall asleep and get up when I get sick and tired of lying there.
7. my body hurts or is too tired (I don't think you can ever understand that until you feel it...the fact that your muscles are too tired to relax, or something, hard to explain, and that's different thatn #4) to let me sleep
8. I sleep but never actually sleep (ie I'm more tired when I wake up, don't feel rested, etc) b/c I never reach "deep sleep," or stage 4 sleep, or rem either.

and unfortunately, often times even with meds, 1 or more of these things occur. Or the meds knock me out so much that I'm too stupid/fatigued the next day to function like a human being.

I have tried relaxation tapes. They either agitate me (the sound of crashing waves makes my heart race for some reason. apparently this happens to people with water phobias/scared of swimming. didn't know that was me? I'm only afraid of the things in the water WITH me that I can't see...or can...I still haven't figured out if I'd rather know what's swimming with me or stay ignorant), or annoy me, or only relax my body, but not my mind (it's the racing mind that gets me).

and I think lit candles would be a fire hazard, especially with me involved :)

And uber romantic...on myself? what are you implying here? you gonna buy me a vibrator for my bday? lol...wait...never mind is right :)

Oh yea, and I finally called the psycho doc and stopped the meds that were making me wacko sick. That's one reason I was in bed so long yesterday. I was afraid if I moved I'd start throwing up everywhere and I didn't feel like cleaning it up so I just didn't move. Aren't you all so glad that I share these things with you? I'm sure you feel special knowing my bodily functions. ^_^

~Cheers & god morgon (ie good morning).

ps. do I attempt to go to sleep now that the sun will soon start to rise? or do I stay up? Such touch decisions.