Rising Storm

Yea, so, I thought clear skies were ahead, I was wrong. Seems my doctor has no idea what to do with me. He said I can visit him anytime I want...which basically means he can't help me anymore. I'm going to go try a special fibro center, see a rheumy, and maybe find a chronic pain specialist. It's really frustrating when a doctor you like and trust just throws their hands up and turns their back on you.

I've been falling into the dark chasm again, and I can't seem to break my fall on anything. Seems every time I clutch a ledge, it either immediately crumbles under me, or only holds me for a short time before crumbling anyway. One of the worst things is that I don't really care anymore. Seems for a while I've just been falling and not attempting to grab on to anything. It's like half of me knows that I'll eventually get better, and I know I should be doing something to help myself, but the other half just gives up and thinks why bother, I'll never be well...going back to my favorite Seether quote: everything will be fine one day, too late, just as well...

Everyone knows how much I love food. So you know it's bad when I don't care when/what/if I even eat. Today I finally made myself cook (yes, scrambled eggs is considered cooking), and I just couldn't eat it. I forced myself to eat part of it, but couldn't go further. My body doesn't want it, yet I know I should eat, but I also know if I had forced one more forkfull of eggs down my throat I woulda lost it all.

So, I'm going to go through the motions for a while, go to pt and massage, do whatever, hope some kind of doctor can spark my interest again and drag me back into the battlefield. I'll weather this storm, just like I always do. I'm just so tired of constantly battling the world and myself. I wish for just one day, a ledge would stop my fall, the battle would stop, I wouldn't have to fight my pain or mind...I could be happy...I can't remember what it was like to be happy. But then again, is anyone really happy? Seems like everyone pushes themselves through life, and even if they seem content, are they happy as well?

~In the eye of the storm

Clear skies ahead

So, weather finally cleared. 60s today, clear, sunny, it's amazing what some nice weather can do. Perfect weather, drove around tonight with the windows down, in low 50s, I love it. I was bundled up in two sweatshirts and had gloves on, and I got a few weird looks when I was stopped at a light. But I was having fun, I think they were all jealous...either that or they were annoyed that my music was so loud :)

And blockbuster is doing a trade-in on dvds, so I traded in some cheap, stupid ones, got 21 dollars! I actually made some profit...about 3 dollars profit I think? not much, but I'll take it :)

Shrek 2 comes out tomorrow. Nothin else is gettin done, just shrek 2. Puss in boots is so cute, aww, I get all warm and fuzzy just thinking of him, they did so well on animating a cat, they got the little "I'm so cute" look down, and it's just like a cute to look so cute and then turn into a monster the next second :)

On a happier note, I'm so happy to have a little pain relief. I actually managed to sleep last night, only waking up about 4 times. Much less than normal! I was having weird dreams though, I was shopping at walmart, looking through men's underwear, trying to find some comfortable boxers? And then there was something with a big dog, and a forest. It's all jumbled, I remember the walmart part though. wacky

~Fire

Fog and pain relief

So, got a new painkiller, in place of the others. This one actually works, amazing. One of these works the same as 4 darvocet. works as good as 1 darvocet did 5 years ago, maybe I got used to it. Which leads me to another question. Why haven't they invented a Drunk Pill...pain relief without the bad side affects (hangovers). Being drunk is one of the best pain killers I've ever used. Most pain pills make you really stupid/foggy/slur your words/trip over things (ie. drunk), but the pain is still present, at the back (or in my case the past few days, the very front) of your mind. But the times I've been in a lot of pain and gotten wasted off my ass, I didn't feel any pain. well, except I paid for it majorly the next day, seems to make my pain worse for about 3 days afterwards, then trails off to my normal pain amount. SO, they need to invent alochol in pill form, with no hangovers, and no residual/increase in pain after use. Wouldn't that be dandy.

As to fogginess, after my massage today, I tripped over nothing and almost fell face first into my massage therapist's chest. But I caught myself, then I looked trough THREE places in my wallet before finally finding my money. Then I threw my wallet at her and dropped my money on the ground. I think she was laughing at me, but I can't remember that well. I just remember throwing my wallet and looking down to see money fluttering at my feet.

Mom keeps saying "you'll be fine again"
and I reply "one day, too late" like Seether's song. Can't help it, but it's true. No matter how soon I get fine again, it'll always be one day too late. Try 5 years too late. I could bitch about how unfair it is, but I won't, I think I'd crash the blog website anyway. So, moral of this post: Life is a bitch. If you're lucky enough to have use of your mind and body, use the damn things, otherwise you'll regret it later. Speaking of regret, I dreamed about soccer last night, maybe that's what's put me in such a sore mood, always does it. What's that saying? don't cry over spilt milk or something?

~Ta ta (who's been watching Hannibal? Coffeeeee)