big ow

One simple question: What is the point of pain meds if they don't work.

I know they're supposed to make you so stupid/sleepy/foggy that you don't recognize your pain, but why the hell can't they make some meds that take the pain away, or at least block it properly. I've got 4 different pain meds, and none of them work. Sure, they make me stupid or sleepy, but the pain is still there, and just as bad, and despite my foggy state, I still notice it just as much! I had to mix some that I wasn't supposed to, sooner than I was supposed to, and I probably overdosed, simply because I couldn't stand it anymore, and it still only marginally helped. It still made it impossible for me to sleep on my back, and woke me up countless times during the night whenever I moved wrong, and woke me up this morning (afternoon) with unbearable pain, forcing me out of bed, and now I'm in a sore spot (literally), where it hurts to lay down, it hurts to sit and lean against anything, but it would hurt my back to not lean against anything, and I can't very well stand all night. It's driving me crazy, I'm so sick and tired of being in pain all the time

End of rant

~cranky, tired, hurting and uber pissed off >:(

Chasing the Storm

So, friday night, I went to the movie theatre. Only problem was, B's car started flashing the "check engine" light, but I dropped his car off at apt and managed to catch a movie. Saw the Forgotten. It was ok, not what I expected totally, but then again it was what I expected...um, yea, I love contradictions ;) Anyway, during the movie, there was this huge roar that could be heard over the movie sound, and I later figured out it had rained cats and bulldogs. So, I go driving home, and what's in front of me??

I look over my head, and it's dark night sky with visible clouds. I look ahead, and I can actually SEE the line of the storm system moving away. I could clearly see the edges of the clouds, and the stars appearing just beyond their border. So beautiful. So then I see all these brilliant purple, blue, white designs (I love the lightening here, it makes such amazing designs in the sky). So then I get this crazy idea and go chasing after the storm. Needless to say I get completely lost in the middle of nowhere. Had to pee in some farmer's field b/c there was no place open at that time of night in the middle of nowhere. But I got much closer to the storm, and I just parked there, in the pitch black of nowhere, and watched the storm for a while. So incredibly beautiful. Of course then I turn around and realize I've got a long drive ahead of me and my eyes are trying to close while driving, not a good combination. Obviously I made it back :)

~Gotta love storms (except that they make me hurt much worse, but I like their violent beauty anyway)

Amazing Discovery

Yesterday, I made the most amazing discovery. When you're driving with the windows down, it's actually cooler to turn the vents off! Isn't that just the grandest discovery ever? I think I should get a prize.

Another goofy thing, I saw my massage person on tuesday, when I was going in for pt, and she looked up with wide eyes and said "hi! um...you weren't coming to see me were you??" at the same time I looked at her and said "oh no, am I supposed to see you today??" So then we both laughed and she said I scared her. So then I come home, forget about it. Wednesday, I forget about it, until last night (thinking I have massage today), I look at the card, and notice I DID have an appt on tuesday, so we both were stupid I guess. Makes me feel better that it wasn't only my stupidity, since this will make the 3rd appt in 2 months that I've missed. My bad 0:)

Oh, and in other news, I met someone from highschool yesterday. I was picking up some chinese takeout, and this lady was in front, and she turned and sorta looked at me funny, then walked by and sat at a table to wait. So I ordered and went and stood by her, and she said, "um, did you by chance go to __ HS? Did you graduate in 00? does your name start with an R? ooh!" so then we were laughing about recognizing people but not remembering their names, and debating on whether or not to say hi and look stupid for not knowing their name, or just not saying anything, and feeling stupid for not saying hi. It was pretty funny. I'm actually suprised she remembers me, b/c I was mostly in classes with her twin, not her...at least I think. They were identical twins after all :)

~Questing through memory forest

The Grudge

Finally saw the Grudge after lots of pestering from bro. Very scary, exciting, awesome movie. I jumped quite a few times. This one guy was hilarious, he screamed, and I mean screamed, about 5 times. All his friends were laughing at him, thinking he was kidding (they were walking behind me talking about this as I left the theatre), but he was actually really scared. So it's set in Japan, and there was this horrible, sad/angry death in a house, therefore the house becomes evil/haunted. But these american people don't know that when renting the house, so not to give the story away, I'll just say horrible things happen. It's a lot like the Ring actually (Ringu I guess I should say, since they're both Japanese). It's got the freaky long hair, and the weird eyes that look down at you but all wide so the scary whiteness is showing. Good enough to make me have (not nightmares), but images from the movie flashing in my mind before I tried to go to sleep.

OH! Speaking of the Ring (US version), Ring Two is coming out this spring, I'm excited :) Too bad it won't have the cute guy from the first in it (duh, for those who have seen it), but it does at least have the little boy and woman. I hate it when sequels have different actors, but the same character.

~ "you weren't supposed to let her out"

broken and faint

so, I'm uber broken today. hurt really bad (gee, could it be because I stayed up all night?) my back is spasming, and it won't stretch out. my left foot is yelling at me for driving so much (shifting). Car has registration, finally, so I drove that, it's a heavy monster compared to my little spunky sprite, but I love them both anyway. can't we all just get along? :)

Now, to the faint part. I was dizzy all day, and light headed, and shaky (gee, could it be because I stayed up all night?) So I'm walking through a store, shaking and light headed, ambling along, bumping into things (but I was good, didn't break anything). So then I sorta blank out (not black out), and then I'm leaning against a pillar with my knees about to buckle. Lucky for me the pillar was there, otherwise I woulda been face first on the floor. I knocked the fire extinguisher off the pillar though, I don't think the workers are going to be happy about that (I moved away before they saw me) *innocent look*

~crashing into bed and sleepy oblivion

fibrofog moments

I don't have anything new to share, so I'm going to share my recent and past fibrofog moments. Fibrofog is a term us FMS sufferers call our stupid moments. Fibro for fibromyalgia, and fog is exactly what it sounds like. See, part of this syndrome, is a loss of cognitive function (either constant, or comes and goes). The problem is, none of us ever gets any real sleep. So you know if you stay up 1-2 days straight, you say and do really stupid things without really thinking about it? It's the same concept, except I haven't slept in 5-6 years. People with fibro have many foggy moments, we forget words, we mis-speak, we forget things, we forget what we're supposed to do, we forget that we forget, we write notes to remind ourselves of what we're forgetting but end up forgetting where we put the note (or even that we wrote a note). So, here is a list of some recent and past fog moments.

-- repeatedly trying to put the milk into the cupboard. After trying to shove the jug in a few times, realize it doesn't fit b/c it's not the fridge

-- trying to drink my deodorant (it took me forever to get the taste out of my mouth)

-- putting the tv remote in the fridge

-- putting ice cream in the pantry

-- rubbing a q-tip in my armpit (I guess I thought the q-tip was my deo?)

-- trying to get the microwave to work, wondering why it's not working even though I'm pushing in the numbers...realizing I'm putting numbers into the "clock" setting rather than the "cook" setting.

-- (in Japan), pouring tea into my yogurt bowl, then yelling "shit" with my hostmother standing right behind me.

-- writing down 6 times (on 6 different pieces of paper) when a friend would arrive at the airport, ending up losing all 6 notes (I still can't find a few of them).

-- showing up for a doc's appt one day late, having forgotten what day it was.

-- forgetting to set my parking brake, frantically running beside my car, trying to get the door open and hit the brakes before my car backs into the building.

I guess that's it, if I think of more, I'll be sure to share.

Oh! I forgot!
The Famous Oreo Story:
So, I'm really foggy/not all there/drugged out on pain meds in highschool, sitting in the chair watching cartoons. Mom walks in with a bag of oreos, grabs a few, and hands me the bag. I doze off, and wake up with an empty bag of oreos, and start yelling obscenities at my mom, saying what a bitch she was for eating all my oreos and not leaving me anything but the empty bag. Her shouting she didn't eat my oreos except the few she took at first. We continue shouting for a few minutes, before she tells me I sat there mechanically munching oreos while staring blankly at the tv. Sure enough, I look down and have this huge expanse of oreo crumbs all over my shirt :)

~craving oreos now...

AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI part 2 :)

XENA! season 5 came out yesterday, I'm so excited, I stayed up all night watching it. Such a fun and goofy, wacky, spastic show. And it was hilarious, Xena is majorly pregnant right? (she got pregnant by an angel when they were ressurected) So Ares walks up to her and says, "I wish I'd have known you were lookin for a father"
Xena: "I'm not"
Ares: "Oh? Well, somebody clearly got the job"
Xena: "Yea, Gabrielle"
Ares with a sorta pissed off/jealous look
Gabrielle looks at him with a HUUUUUGE, smug, "told ya so", up-yours kinda grin :) smirk and laugh
Ares: "I woulda paid to see that"

So funny. Doesn't take much to make me happy, just give me Xena and you make my day. Guess it's sorta good that it doesn't take much. Ok, I have to go vote and drop my class, not necessarily in that order.

AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI :)

:(

My tummy hurts. just thought I'd complain.

~A woeful princess

When Spiders Fly...

Ok, so it IS the perfect time of year, but I also forgot that during this time, spider webs fly everywhere. I remember in the old soccer days, we would be constantly scrubbing webs off our faces, and in the parking lots, you could look up and see webs floating by. I have streaks of them all over my car. But, it's still nice time of year anyway. One thing I miss is the foliage. It's still green (some light brown) here, none of the awesome colors like in boston. You win some, you lose some. I'll take the more temperate climate over trees any time. Even with the flying spider silk :)

~Still scrubbing face and arms

Perfect Weather

I love this time of year. Perfect weather. Sunny, clear, 60-70s during day, 50s at night. Perfect pant & t-shirt weather, with a baseball cap thrown in so I can drive with the windows down :) It's amazing how a little good weather can affect my mood. Cold enough to make my joints a wee bit more cranky than usual, but cool enough that I walk outside and sigh with pleasure. The perfect balance. Gotta love it.

And on that note, it's the perfect weather for walking around. I'm sick and tired of being fat and toady. It seems all I do is lay around, all I actually WANT to do is lay around. But I'm going to start walking every day (that I don't have PT). So I'm gonna head out to a park, walk, maybe get some sun, and chill out. Good news is I've actually already dropped about 3-5 lbs just from cutting carbs out a wee bit. I'm not eating purely carbs anymore, it seems to be making a difference. Of course I'm not getting as much of the sudden bursts of energy my body craves, but if it helps me in the long run, I'll give up sweets and comfort foods in the mean time. Well, except for my once-a-week Dairy Queen treat :) OH! it's Friday, that's my dairy queen day :) I think I'll go walk and get me a Blizzard...mmm...

~A slightly more peaceful, more content, more relaxed dairy-queen-seeking slug :)

Class? What's that?

So, classes. I dropped 2 of them in late september, couldn't hack it. Too much work, too much pain (physically painful to sit in those chairs, and write, and be cold). I'm thinking now I'm going to have to drop my neurology class, which sucks, since my problem is mostly neurological, and I wish I could learn about the way things are going wrong. I suppose I'll keep the book and read when I can (gee, wonder how long my memory will hold any of THAT). My memory is actually a main reason for dropping this course. I just can't remember anything. Not to say I'm worried about failing, I could really care less, but why should I go through all the trouble just to fail, when I could read it on my own, without sitting in the painful and cold classroom, without having to get out of my house on the painful days when I can barely make it out to the car, without walking the 10 minutes from my car to the classroom, and without having to write a lot (even with wrist braces it hurts to write too much). Another big reason is my will. For the past few weeks, and it will last a longer while, my will just isn't there. Like I don't care about failing, I don't even care about going. It's just too much. Yes, it's a reason to get out of the house, but I don't care enough to go, so why have that obligation hanging over me when I'm not going to go through with it.

So, if I do this, it'll leave me with one course. The Oceans course, which I do at home. Take the tests at my own pace, read at my own pace. And the tests are really short, last one was only 10 multiple choice questions, so not much writing, just 10 small circles. Although I am shocked at this university. At wellesley, I did not ONCE have a multiple choice test. Not even in science courses. Everything was essay, short answer, or write-out solutions w/ equations. I only had 2 courses in all 4 years that involved powerpoint, and both of those were science (Astronomy and Geology). Yet every course here has involved power point. And it's not even good presentations. They repeat EVERYTHING that's written on the power point slide? What's the point, why not just email us the power point slides and we can sit at home and get the same information for less hassle? Usually at wellesley, the 2 profs would throw up the scientific equations, and a few really important points, that they wanted to make sure we got, then they would lecture (does texas university even know what the word lecture means?). It's quite disappointing actually, it's like being in highschool again. Maybe that's another reason why my will to go to class is so low. It's not interesting, it's not mind-expanding, I don't look forward to what I can learn the next class period, or what awesome jokes the professor will tell, or the fact that the professor actually knows my face, name, mannerisms, and attitude (and will joke with me after class when I drool on the table...yes, this actually happened) :)

It makes me really appreciate the time I spent at Wellesley. Yes, it was really hard, yes, it was really time consuming and stressing, yes, many times I said how much I hated it, yet through all the hardships, I learned so much (about life, about myself, about others, about history, about future, etc). The list goes on. I can say definitely that my time at Wellesley, the knowledge I took away from there, will stay with me for the rest of my life...although with my memory the way it is now, who knows how long I'll remember it :-/

Oops, this turned into quite a rant. Um, point of the post was me commenting that I'm now working on dropping my 3rd class, leaving me with one do-it-at-home course. Anyway...

~Becoming more classless as time goes on :)

Skanky Old Man

Dude, so I go to lunch, I'm munching away happily. The man walks in, and gets his lunch (it's a buffet), and passes my table and says wow, I love your pants (I'm wearing my swedish construction worker pants). He asks were I got them, and how it's such a great idea to have all the pockets on the side like cargo pants so you don't have to sit on everything. So I tell him they're swedish, and he might try online or ebay. Then I go back to my meal and munch away, and then he starts talking to me "so, are you native swedish? how'd you get the pants? what are your parents doing there? do you know the language? do you speak other languages? oh, japanese? I like japanese food, I"m trying to learn french. I'm a radio engineer. blah blah blah" So I'm chatting away and he's chatting away, and I think, gee, ain't this nice *rolling eyes*

SO then, he says, "so, would you mind if I called you some time, maybe we could have lunch and chat?" and I almost blurted out "how old are you???!!?" (he looked about 40), but instead just said "um...I'm not sure about that, sorry" and he seemed ok with that. Seemed like a nice guy, but dude, I'm 22, he's ~40, that's just wrong.

So of course I promptly ask for the check and run outta there!

~Slightly disturbed, slightly complimented, slightly...something... :/

Seeing Spots

So, apparently seeing things isn't a good thing. Seems I'm having multiple occular migraines every day, but luckily without the headache or barfing part. So I guess I just get to see nice metallic, shiny silvery spots all the time. It's a nice color, but can be quite distracting. And an interesting fact, the doc told me that many people get occular migraines (see spots) when they're pooping and they push too hard, straining can burst one of the blood vessels in your eye which is an occular migraine.

At least I got a pair of those stupid wrap around shades you get when you're dialated.

Do you see spots? Does Elvis talk to you? (which movie??)

~Very Broken

Fantastic Dream

I had a fantastic dream last night. Not fantastic in that sense. Actually it was quite scary, anxious. It had magic, demons, castles, etc. I was a vampire-esque/demon-esque man attempting to save my land and the girl in the tower from ultimate destruction in the form of a big ass demon (think 20 people tall). So, lots of chasing, near-death experiences, pain, loss, suffering, hope, trials, new people/friends, new world, new magic, etc. Sounds like I should write a book, huh? Although in some ways, it sounds more like a video game than a book, but whatever. That was the 5th dream I remember having last night. I hate it when I'm exhausted, and am only half asleep for the entire night (day in this case). Although like this dream, sometimes it is cool to remember. I like dreams...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos - Your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evanescence kicks ass. Anyway, that song basically describes what I think every day when I wake up. Well, besides the other thought which is "what do I have to look forward to today...is it really worth it to get out of bed..." The answer most often to the last one, is no, it's not worth it, no, I don't have that much to look forward to. But I get out of bed anyway. I try to find small things to look forward to (watch a movie, read a book, look at the sky). Then I think of things like chores and school, and still say, no, it's not worth it, no, I do not look forward to that. So basically I wish I could stay in bed and sleep and dream (nice dreams, not the anxiety dreams and nightmares I always have) for once. A dream world...with no pain, only magic and a world of my own creation.

~peace out, dream well

Down in a Hole...

That's a good song. Anyway, yes, I'm in a rut again. An apathetic rut. I even forgot to go browse through Fry's. That's a key sign. Classes can go screw themselves, I can't make myself give a damn. Although I did get an 88 on the neuro test which I thought I'd fail (although the last 2 quizes were both 30). It'll even out, or not. At this point, I really don't care. Still haven't taken any of the oceans tests. I keep saying, "oh, I'll do that this week" and then I sleep through it. Yesterday I slept until 6pm, today until 4:30.

And my goddamn memory is getting worse. I NEED a massage, yet I completely forgot that yesterday I had one. So, missed that for this week, sucks to be me. I finally called the damn rheumy, but of course they close at 3pm every day, that must be nice. I don't know if my memory is going to hell, or if I just subconsciously don't care to remember. This is sorta pissing me off. I always thought my mind was one of my strong points. Just comes to show life is a bitch. I don't have a body or a mind anymore. WTF mate.

Today is a good Seether day:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fine Again

It seems like every day's the same and I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is grey and there's no color to behold
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober, feels like I'm dying, here.

And I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine, one day too late, I'm in hell
And I am prepared now it seems everyone's gonna be fine, one day too late just as well
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ok, anyway, enough gloomy crap. I'm going out to Fry's, going to find a good funny movie, maybe splurge and get myself a good chunk of red meat. Then I'll be all set.


Everything's gonna be fine one day...

More or Less

So, is it better to feel more or feel less? I've been thinking recently, about being in constant pain, and trying to look on the upside of things. I realized that being in pain has made me more aware (somewhat unfortunately) of my body (and thus my pain), but somewhat fortunately, it has made me aware of things and life around me. For instance, I find that I appreciate things more, things I never would have noticed before.

Do any of you realize how much of your body it takes to drive a car? It's not just your feet and hands. It basically takes your entire body. I could tell you (depending on where/how much I hurt), exactly which muslces/bones/tendons you use in certain parts of your body while driving.

For some reason, small natural things seem so much more real. I don't know, like a pretty sunset, or wild grass blowing in the wind, or even the feel of the wind on my skin. I never would have noticed these as much before. And a funny thing, even though storms make me hurt a lot more, I still love a good rainy day. There's just something nice about a rainy day.

Anyway, point of this post, I think it's better to feel more. I feel I can appreciate more. Yes, the downside is I feel more negatives as well, but I think the positives outweigh. Besides, how boring would it be to not feel anything about anything? No pleasure, no pain, no like, no dislike, no appreciation. Seems sad. Of course, ask me tomorrow and I'll be bitching about it all :)

Goosh

Socks

Is it really bizarre that I put on one sock, then that shoe, then the other sock and the other shoe? It's just the way I put on my socks and shoes. Seems like every other person I've ever seen do it puts on both socks, then both shoes. Am I weird? Or is everyone else weird? :) B thinks that's weird, but he's not normal, so I shouldn't base my weirdness on him. I always did that in soccer too...one shinguard, one sock, one shoe, one leg then the other. Oh well, at least if I'm strange, I'm original :)

Sock it to me :)

Shakin' the house

I absolutely love thunderstorms. OMG, so awesome. The lightning is beautiful, just saw some brilliant purple designs flash across the dark sky. And the rumbles and shakes. The door and windows just shook, the glasses in my cupboard rattled. So awesome. Last time we had a thunderstorm, there was a HUGE shake and blinding flash, I think we must have had a hit really close, because just after about 4 car alarms started going. Now that is some rumbling thunder.

You gotta love nature's violent beauty. It's still amazing that something so violent and powerful can be so beautiful. I guess it's like panthers, lions, etc. So beautiful and so deadly. Awesome. Gotta love it.

~Storm Lover :)

Birds & I'm seeing things

It's that time of year. The trees are still green, the grass is still green (but turning more yellowish), it's still warm-hot, but cool at night. And the birds. It's like Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. They're everywhere. Especially towards sunset. The power lines, buildings, street signs, fences, they're all black with birds. I'm not sure if they're all from here and just hang out before going south (or where ever), or if they're from here and from farther north. It's pretty freaky.

Oh yea, went to doc, I have really really uber pissed off tendonitis in my wrist/arms. Gotta wear these braces all the time now, it's really difficult to type in them! And I gotta go see an eye doctor b/c I'm seeing things :) Great little flashes of light, can be quite distracting.

Oh, and since my memory is so bad, my doctor wrote out a note and taped it to my arm so I wouldn't forget. He's such a nut. And I picked up a Run for the Cure (Cancer) pamphlet. They've got an option called "Sleep in for the Cure". I think you can just give the donation and not run, just stay home and sleep late, and you still get a t-shirt! I think I'll do that option :) Ooh, it says you get a "snoozy bib" wonder what that looks like. Fun.

~So desu ne~