sleep decisions

So, I have decisions to make based on sleep. I changed my sleep meds and 1 anti-D. So here's the gist:

Before (the change):
1. trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, trouble getting deep sleep
2. very realistic, intense nightmares
3. wake up hurting and tired

After (the change):
1. trouble getting to sleep, maybe trouble getting deep sleep (I can't tell)
2. less intense nightmares, less "aware" of the nightmares, don't remember them as often
3. wake up hurting, tired, naseous, and basically "bad" and "off"
3a. feel bad/nauseous all day
3b. totally crash late afternoon, ie. feel worse/sicker, fall over and pass out on the couch.


So far the cons seem to outweigh the pros. I have a lot of trouble getting up in teh morning on the new stuff, and again I feel like crap all day. I'm almost thinking I will take nightmares and less sleep/more disrupted sleep over (maybe) deeper sleep (I can't tell b/c I feel so bad?!) and feeling like ass.

Anyhoo, just thought I'd lay that out there, since I oh so love to complain all the time. I need to find something new to discuss. Like why isn't the sky green. And why can't you eat clouds even though they look like cotton candy. Where are all the magics and fantasticalical creatures. Why are human so destructive. If you were a vampire, would blood taste really good to you? (I would hope so). If you had the choice of flying or invisibility, which would you choose?

I think I might go crash on the couch again, even though I just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I love naps. naps are my friend.

~toodles

Catching Up

So, I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. I'm bad, I know :) So, here's my updates.

Fibro Program: It ended. Some of us cried (not me), we had lunch, and laughed, and hugged. Hugging is nice. I offered to volunteer and try to gather info and create a fibro "community" for us all in our areas, but so far have not heard back from the leader if/when I can help.


Psycho stuff: I had my first meeting ever with a psychiatrist last wednesday. He basically asked me a few questions, I answered, he cringed and looked sorry for me, and changed my medications. I can't even tell how I'm sleeping now, I feel so odd (another reason for not blogging). First day after changing my anti'd, I was so enraged I couldn't speak to anyone. I didn't want to hurt anyone by accident with any harsh, unmeaning words, so I secluded myself. I've finally leveled out some, but still feeling odd.

Speaking of psycho stuff, I always wonder. Is anyone happy? HAPPY What does this word mean? What does it embody? I can't remember what it feels like to be happy, and I don't know anymore what happy is. I can be content. I can feel "ok." But I can't reclaim the feelings I used to have as a kid that I label as "happiness." Do you all wake up in the morning and think "wow, a whole day ahead of me! what wonderful things can I do today??" do you look forward to the day? Do you look forward to your life, thinking of the work you can do, the people you can meet, the fun you can have? I sometimes feel like I've lost my dreams. I don't know what to look forward to. Or if I want to look forward to anything. Sometimes it seems like I'm scared of the future. I don't konw what's out there...and sometimes ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know.

Sometimes I think one reason I don't go to sleep, one reason I'll always stay up even though I'm exhausted is that I don't want to face another day. I don't have anything exciting to look forward to. I don't WANT to wake up. Therefore I don't want to sleep. If I never sleep I won't ever have to wake up. Does this make any sense? That and if I don't go to sleep I won't have nightmares. I have nightmares almost every night. That was one of the things that made the psycho doctor cringe.


Dream Writing: So, one of my nightmares was really intense, and I managed to remember it in a lot of detail. And it stuck with me for weeks. Not in a horrifying sense, but more like an interesting "that would make a good video game/fantasy book" kinda thought. So, I started writing. Maybe one day you'll go to a book store and pick up and book and read a story and it will be the results of one of my dreams! Although I'm not showing my bro my writings, since he's currently doing is own writing. I don't want to jumble his thoughts since his "book" so far is so awesome. I can't wait until he's done. So, we'll see if I stick with my writing. See what comes out of my sick and twisted mind! Mwuahahahahaha :)


Other random thoughts:
I still haven't seen Constantine, I want to do that...maybe I'll go do that tonight. Looks like an awesome movie. And speaking of movies, I'm pissed. I found out today that the "Dollar" theatre, that used to have 25 cent Tuesdays....it's now a "$1.50" theatre! Ack! So upset. and tuesdays are now 50 cents :( darn them. Ok, I updated. That's about all that's happening. My life is so boring, huh? OOOH!!!!!!!

you have to read Neil Gaiman's "Neverwhere" it is such a fun book. And it has one of the best quotes ever!

["Can I help you?" said the footman. Richard had been told to fuck off and die with more warmth and good humor.] Is that great or what>??? I laughed for about 10 minutes straight last night. My stomach actually still hurts from laughing so much. ...Maybe you had to be there? lol, it's probably one of those things. Like "it bit my eye!" which I think only my bro will get.

Ok, that's it for now.

~Ta ta...coffeeeee...

One of those days...

Yep, this is a major fog day. Barely slept last night, which is probably why I'm so out of it today. So, here's my fibro-fog story for today:

I pour my cereal into my sugar (which reminds me, I need to find some way to sift it out). Then I pour my cereal into my tea!? Then I put my cereal in the fridge and get a bowl out of the dishwasher. I look at the empty bowl, and then I just managed to stop myself before pouring the milk in the sugar (with the cereal in there). So then I can't find my cereal, and I try to put the milk in the pantry, and realize that's not right. So I finally get the cereal out of the fridge and manage to do the rest with no problem. So that's fine, I go to fibro group, I'm a bit spaced out but everyone else seems to be as well. So I leave group, and I blink and notice that I'm on the highway halfway home...I have no idea how/when I got there. I guess I drove on autopilot or something. Sorta scary when that happens, always freaks me out. Luckily it doesn't happen to often. So then I force myself to concentrate the rest of the way (a bit tricky I must say). And now it's 3pm and I haven't eaten lunch...I don't think. ack.

lol, at least I can laugh at myself, right? it's pretty damn funny. definitely a "wtf mate?!" kinda actions. the milk in the pantry thing actually happens quite often. The car thing still scares me though, it's a little freaky isn't it? To be driving around without really paying any attention? And it's not that I wasn't concetrating or I was day dreaming, I was just sorta "not there." *que twilight music*

and I collected yet another mother today! One who invited me to snuggle up in her house, watch movies, drink hot chocolate and sleep in the feather bed in her guest room! I've never slept on a feather bed...I just might have to take her up on that. Except I think she sleeps on that bed since it's so comfy, and I wouldn't want to steal her bed...she's funny though. We clicked immediately in group, don't know why though, just one of those random friend-clicking things. Too bad you don't get the sound effects when that happens *CLICK* :) So that gives me 4 official moms here, as well as 7 unoffical ones, with the real mom visiting every once in a while. Then I have a mom in new hampshire, and a used-to-be-mom when I was dating her son, she'd still probably mother me too. Hehehehe. Does this mean I need to be mothered and draw mother-figures to me? Or am I just a loveable cute 'lil munchkin that they wish was their own! mwuahahahahaha

~floating in fog land

Boogeyman

Ok, I went to see this last night. It was a good scare kinda movie, like jump and boo. And it had that quick flash of image that attacks your subconscious, which was a good technique. However, at the end, the animation coulda used a lot of work. And the dialogue was pretty cheasy. And the characters didn't have chemistry. And not to ruin the ending, I'll just say wtf mate? and it was weird to see lucy lawless as someone other than xena. wasn't a true scary movie though, I walked outta the theatre not worrying about any boogeymen. It was a fun 1+ though. I think it might be one of those where if I ever saw it again I'd sit in the front and watch everyone behind me. Now, if it was Poltergeist, the Changeling, the Shining, Gothika, Sixth Sense, those are true scary movies, the kind that give you goosebumps and make you jump and grab the person next to you, or think about it later when it's dark and you're alone...hehehe, when I was a kid, I made my mom take all the mirrors outta my room :) of course that could be because I saw poltergeist when I was 6-7...actually now that I think about it, I think the mirrors were from poltergeist two? yea, first one only had tv and closet. anyhoo, those were good scary movies :)

OOOOOOH!!! And I can't wait until Constantine comes out! coming out in next week or two maybe? or I'm confused...it happens often enough :) Like yesterday I walked into the bathroom 5 times and couldn't figure out what I wanted from in there...I still haven't figured it out. And I tried to open my car door with my house keys...not much luck there :) And I bought myself a planner. This woman at the fibro group talked to us, and told us it was a good idea. So I'll probably try that for a week *rolls eyes* hopefully longer.

"come play with us Danny..."

new motto & dreams

I guess I'm in a posting mood today. Probably b/c I'm so sleep deprived there's two of everything. It's like when I'm drunk, I get more talkative...same with lack of sleep? anyhoo...

New motto: I heard this in fibro group, I really liked it: "This too shall pass". in other words que sera sera. the story was this woman's 88 yr old woman fell and broke both her arms, and sitting in her hospital bed she just smiled and said "this too shall pass."

Ok, I'm going to bed, gonna let the world pass me by. I just hope I have pleasant dreams for once. Why is it I remember all my horrible nightmares but I can't remember the happy dreams? Do I have happy dreams I wonder? Night before last I had a few nightmares. First one was a long dream that I know I tried to wake up from a few times, but I couldn't. It was Freddy Krueger. It was horrible, he was killing everyone, and I was there, and I was being killed (whoever says you can't die in your sleep is a lier), and we were all running and hiding but no matter where we went he found us. I woke up from that one with the silent scream (the one where you sit there for a few moments attempting to scream, then realizing nothing is coming out and flop back down to sleep). Then I was an Elektra-esque person, but all in black leather :) but all these gangsters were chasing me and I couldn't get away, and it was just chasing the whole time, and it ended up in a stressful highspeed car chase, and of course I crashed and felt a shit load of pain and woke up in pain (I hate it when that happens). So then I flopped back down after re-arraging myself, and had another dream, which I can't remember, but I woke up from that one with the sit-and-gasp with the racing heart. Ended up sleeping until 4pm, and stayed up all night. it's now 5:50ish, and I'm dragging, and really want to go to sleep, but of course the people under me came home and started blasting their tv. damn bass can be felt through the floor. *le sigh*

~signing off

*le sigh*

Sooooo, insurance companies. Gotta love 'em. They are just so incredibly nice to everyone. They courteousy lose your paper work multiple times, then reject your attempt to gain disability, blaming (again, very politely) you for lack of information. So now I'm off my parent's insurance, and on some other cheesy back-up kinda insurance with huuuuuuuuuge outta pockets, and probably no copays. Which means bye-bye $$$$$$. Yay, so great, this is. Of course now I'm stuck inbetween the two insurances, and can't get my prescriptions refilled b/c I don't have my new information. Major *le sigh* *LE SIGH* Yea, so, looks like it's gonna be a long haul, probably take a few years to get this straightened out (if we ever manage). Gotta love insurance companies.

So, what else is new...No one around for V-day. Oh, but I get to go have my first visit with my psycho doctor! ISn't that grand?? So romantic...my ass. I hope he's nice and doesn't tell me I'm a psycho and to go away. Then that Friday my fibro group ends. So sad, I love that group now. Not only do I get outta the house and exercise, but I get to talk with people who truly understand me when I say "I hurt" or "I'm tired" or "oh, I'm feeling ok (lying)." That's a funny thing, usually when anyone asks me how I am, I say "I'm ok" or "I'm good," even though I never am. I'll occasionally tell them life sucks, so if you ever get one of those just ignore it, or not.

It's funny too, I bitch the most to my closest relations (family and frieds). Isn't it odd that we often treat our closest relations the worst? We're nice and polite to strangers, yet we scream and yell and throw things at our best friends or family. Society is twisted, majorly.

I've started watching anime again. Lodoss ova, going through Slayers now. I love slayers, so good, makes me laugh. The perfect medicine. I highly suggest it to others. Slayers and Full Metal Panic for laughs. Speaking of which I think I might go watch some...

~Adios muchachos